Next Article For Cracked.com, September 4th

My latest article will be published on September 4th. The article is about tricks that TV shows do to keep viewers that usually backfire. Tricks like killing off main characters just for ratings(I'm looking at you 24 and LOST).

Be sure to check it out.

Lots of photoshops

Another rehash of things I created a while ago that I shall try to pass off as new.

These are my entries for the various photoshop contests at Cracked. Click the pics for the full sized versions.

Things you'd like to see in the next generation of iPhones


Jobs too awesome to exist: Skydiving Ninja Rockstar


Business card you'd never forget


Bad ideas for children's books


Movie ideas that were pitched during the writers strike










Worst movie adaptations




Here's something that wasn't part of a contest and I've forgotten why I did it.

Completely Untrue Stories #1: The life of a gang banger or how to fortify your fortress of ballsitude.

There comes a time in every male youth's life where they feel the need to belong. The smart boys join the cheerleading squad where they can "belong" with 30 teenage girls and not look like perverts. The less intelligent join the band to learn to be a musician and gain skills that will be useful for getting women later in life but far less useful for getting a decent sized apartment.

Then there's my archetype, the gang member. Whereas the male cheerleader only needs to know how to grab a girl's ass and the band member just blows on a phallic symbol , the gang member has to possess some serious smarts.

I joined a gang at the age of 14. We were known as "The Protectors," partially because we offered protection services to school kids but also because we kept our blades in our pocket protectors, nestled behind our protractors.

Some famous gangs, like the Bloods and the Crips are well known for their strength and firearms proficiency. The Protectors were known for their economically sound business model and for pioneering the geometry, of destruction.

Our protection services were in high demand from the nerds and geeks of the local high schools. This required us to deal with the neanderthal bullies on many occasions.

The interesting thing about the bullies is that they could be subdued faster with knowledge than a swift kick to the ballsack.

For instance, I'll tell you about one bully called Jeff Handleson. His name has not been changed because he's a real fucking dick. He could knock over a stack of books in your arms like no one else. His downfall was swift because one of the advantages of protecting nerds that get trapped in lockers is that they hear things no one else does.

One of our clients/informants gave us a key piece of intel just before he passed out from an atomic wedgie. It turns out Jeff had a secret weakness.

Now I'm sure you're thinking that I'm about to tell you about some clichéd secret like a bully liking stuffed animals or day time soaps but you would be dickishly wrong. You'll find out soon enough.

With this information The Protectors developed a complex and fiendishly diabolical plan to subdue poor Mr. Dickwad.

I was in charge of this operation and will tell you now how it "went down" as we like to say in the street vernacular.

During the lunch hour, Jeff shoved his way to the front of the cafeteria line to get his salisbury steak and mashed potatoes. The lunch lady smirked and asked him if he wanted some milk. He smirked back "milk is for pussies" and went to sit down.

Once he was seated, me and my other gang bangers(I'm sorry if you can't follow all the technical terms I use) approached him. The kids at the surrounding lunch tables cleared out of range. Jeff stared me down with a look that can only be described as "wanting the cock badly." That's when I pulled out my blade with my left hand. My right hand was behind my back, holding my main weapon.

Jeff had probably seen a dozen blades pointed towards him before so it didn't scare him in the least, he even started to reach for his own blade until I whipped my right hand out in front and he saw my enormous sack, of milk.

I guess it would be a good time to mention now that Jeff's secret was that he was lactose intolerant, otherwise me holding a sack of milk would seem rather stupid.

Also, the sack. For those of you not in the know, we Canadians take our milk in carton, jug and sack form. The sack is just a big plastic bag, full of milk, thus the name "sack of milk." Try to keep up.

Now Jeff looks a tad annoyed but he does a good job at hiding his horror. Then the rest of my gang whips out their sacks of milk and Jeff goes into full pants pissing mode. He cries, he bargains with us but we show him no mercy.

I take my blade and rip into the bag of milk and pour it all over him. Ideally I would have liked to have shoved the milk down his throat but I had the sack in one hand and my blade in the other. Luckily Jeff started hyperventilating which allowed far more milk to go into his throat from the sacks of the other gang bangers.

We had to move back a bit because the lactose build up in Jeff's system cause him to fart a lot. And these were not silent farts, nor were they odorless. There were full on methane explosions in Jeff's pants. He convulsed a bit, groaned and grabbed at his stomach and then lay still, dead. Or not, I don't really remember.

All I know is that he wasn't at school the next day and the day after that he was buried in St. Mary's Cemetery, or transferred to St. Mary's school for girls, either way it's not important. What is important is that The Protectors had taken down a major foe and we continued ruling the school yard until we graduated and gave up our life of crime.

Anyways, the title suggests that I was going to give you some tips to fortify your house in some way. I had really just made that title to attract viewers but I suppose I can think of something.

One downside to being a gang member is the constant threat of drive-by-shootings or eggings, depending on your relative location to Toronto or Vancouver. If you don't get hit then your loved ones might get hit. If you have a little brother it is especially devastating if he dies or gets egg on his face because he could have been recruited to join the gang.

So to fortify your house on the cheap here is what you can do.

Procure some steel. It isn't a metal that's usually just lying around so the best option is to buy some. Buying stuff is not always against gang rules especially since you can get steel extremely cheap over the internet.

Have you seen those Ginsu knife sets on eBay? There's thousands of them and they all go for 99 cents or less, plus shipping. Buy a hundred of those and you are set.

Melt down the knives(not in a microwave, trust me) and flatten them with a hammer or rolling pin and place them between the drywall of your house or apartment(be sure to add insulation at the same time to lower your energy bills).

Now you can rest easy, unless of course one of the opposing gangs ever learns that they can just bust down your door and rape you. But that shouldn't happen since it hasn't appeared in any movies lately.

More untrue stories of my childhood to follow.

Daisy Owl Comics

There is a guy on the cracked forums that has started making his own comics, titled Daisy Owl. It's about an owl that has two human kids. It reminds me of Calvin and Hobbes which I always enjoyed as a kid. The drawing is fantastic and the dialogue is hilarious. Be sure to check it out.

Daisy Owl

A song about what I've been up to.♦

I won't have a lot of time this week to do a nice new fancy post because I got another article accepted at cracked and will be working on that.

Instead here's a song I wrote to help someone catch up with all that's been going on at cracked.com while he was away for 5 months. In-jokes aplenty but the chorus should be easy to understand.

Oh and here's a warning, there's some fucking course language below, so you know, be afraid.

Hey there Frob, didn't know you were gone,
if that upsets you just listen to this song.

A lot of stuff has been going on,
including me having sex with your mom.

I've been fucking your mom, oh-yeah.
I've been fucking your mom, she really likes it.
I've been fucking your mom, that's what's been going on.

We have weekly photoshop contests,
a lot of the entrants are retarded pests.

It's ok though because there's a lot of laughs,
but still Navigator kicks a lot of ass.

There's a hall where all the bad posts go,
where the moron problem can no longer grow.

There's been drawings of movies done by 5 year-olds,
and I had some fun with a fat chick's flabby folds.

Because

I've been fucking your mom, oh-yeah.
I've been fucking your mom, fat chicks need loving.
I've been fucking your mom, that's what's been going on.

Since you have been away,
we all talked about how we thought you were gay.

You've missed a few of Ripper's bandwagons,
and we all grouped up to kill a mother fucking dragon.

Some comics were altered to be funny,
until some dumb fag went out and killed a monkey.

Star Wars characters got placed in urban settings,
and your mom told me all about your bed wetting.

Because

I've been fucking your mom, oh-yeah.
I've been fucking your mom, she's a wild cat.
I've been fucking your mom, that's what's been going on.

My dumbest moment of adventure

Digg story

About 4 years ago(maybe 5) during the summer, my now ex-brother-in-law invited me to do a little fishing north of Victoria in Cowichan river near Duncan. We never actually caught anything but we did see something that would lead me to many moments of future stupidity. We saw some people going down the river on inner tubes, drinking beer and having fun.

Several days later we went back to try this ourselves. My brother-in-law, two of his friends(one guy, one girl) and myself went on this trip. We took two cars because we were going to be smart. We would park one car at the spot where we wanted to end our trip and drive the other car farther up the road where we would get out and go into the river.

Before we got there we had to go and buy our inner tube rafts from Canadian Tire. The fact that we didn't get the tubes in advance should give you a clue as to our overall preparedness for this trip. We got the tubes and an air pump and went off for the river. We left one car at the bottom as planed and went about 2-3 miles up.

I was, in my mind, the most prepared for the trip. I brought a mini cooler with two bottles of Gatorade and some snacks. The drinks and snacks were good because the trip took a lot longer than we anticipated. The cooler however, was not such a good idea.

I expected it to be water resistant. That impression lasted about a minute after which the whole outer casing took on several pounds of water. I was also afraid of losing the cooler so I wore it around my neck. The cooler weight about 5 pounds with the extra water and it was dangling around my neck, waiting for an opportunity to strangle me. That opportunity came when I hit a fast patch of water and was facing the opposite direction of the river's current while the cooler got caught on the current and slid behind me. The weight of the cooler combined with the current created a cooler-noose that took a few moments of severe uneasiness to untangle and return myself to being an air breather. It's one thing to have a thought that you might die, it's another to know that if you died, it would be from a cooler filled with cheese and grapes. I think it only happened once but the lack of oxygen may have erased memories of other strangulations.

Along the way we saw a couple that was doing the same stupid thing as us, we passed them and went our merry way into a part of the river that was more rock than river. Unable to merely wade by, we had to stand up and walk on slippery rocks, carrying our tubes(and me with my cooler-noose) while a small amount of rushing water tried to trip us up. This was one of the few times I was happy to have a rather excessive posterior as it cushioned the numerous falls I had during my first and last portage.

Back into water that was several feet deep I could finally relax and enjoy the scenery. The water, trees and hills were rather pleasant and help dull the absolute dumbassery that followed.

With the currents everyone changed positions from front to back every now and then. Sometimes one person would be a little behind and everyone would dig their feet down or hold onto something to wait for that person to catch up.

On one such occasion I was the one in the rear and I saw everyone huddled together. Not wanting to lag behind anymore I figured I'd just happily rush past them so that I'd be in the lead. I realized far too late that they were not huddled there just to wait for me, but because they didn't know how they were going to get down from the jagged rock filled slide of death that was in front of them. It wasn't much of a drop but rather an incline with white water and large rocks that would probably give you a concussion or worse if your head happened to hit them. The others tried to catch me but instead they ended up flipping me off my tube so that when I went down this natural slide the tube was over my head and providing no assistance what so ever.

Here is a crudely drawn diagram of the event in question.



I made it through the water slide of doom without so much as a scratch or gaping head wound. I even managed to hold onto the inner tube and my noose-cooler didn't strangle me. There was a small gravel/sand area after the slide and I fought against the current to walk over there and sat down. I shouted to the others that I was OK and waited for everyone else to climb down a rocky path to meet me.

I don't remember if it was from that incident or an earlier one but I ended up losing a contact lens from one of my eyes and thus spent the rest of the day partially blind and very weary of losing the other contact.

At this point we had probably been on the water for at least 4 hours. We had anticipated the trip being 2 hours based on the fact that we wanted to do the trip in two hours. Calculations are for pussies after all. I was a bit emotionally and physically tired and decided that if there was a place that I could get to that would be easy for the rest of them to find me when they drove back up, I would get out of the water and stay there.

It may have been another hour before such a place could be found. Most of the river where we were was surrounded by 20-40 foot high cliffs, but eventually we came to a foot path that was marked by a sign saying that it was a parking lot for a provincial park. So I got out there and headed up to the dirt lot. We had guessed that we were probably no more than an hour from the end car so I expected a long wait.

Since we had expected to have a short trip we didn't get in the water until about 2pm which meant that it was around 7pm when I went up to the parking lot. There was still a lot of light out and I just sat on the inner tube, ate and drank what was left of my provisions and thought deep thoughts about which girl on girl fantasy was the best.

Time passed and a park ranger came into the parking lot and saw me. He asked me what I was doing and I told him about our little adventure and I think he thought I was partially insane or a future Darwin award winner. Seeing a fat youth wearing only swim trunks was probably more than he could handle at the time anyways.

I was greeted by another set of people, the couple we had passed in the water. They were finished and asked me where my friends were and I told them my reasons. Then I got an interesting proposition. They were going to the back of their van to smoke a joint and offered me a chance to go and share in BC's finest crop.

I haven't done any drugs before, possible reasons include the whole say-no campaign, the fact that I've seen the effects of addiction on others and mainly because I never knew where the hell to find any(And I went to a University in the pot capital of the world). I had figured that this invite could either go the way of the penthouse forums or the way of a Stephen King Novel. There was also the fact that I didn't want to miss the car if it passed me by. So I chickenshiterly declined my one and only invite for drugs.

It had no been over an hour and there was still no sign of anyone coming up the road and the sun was starting to set. I began to deflate the tube and decided to walk down the road so that I would at least be making progress towards the car.

There I was, no shirt, no shoes, one contact lens, an empty cooler around my neck and an inner tube on my arm, walking down a rocky road. After maybe 20 minutes of walking and scraping my feet in near darkness the park ranger and his car reappeared. He had to go collect the money from some campers back passed where we started our trip and offered me a ride and told me that he would drive me down to my friends afterwards.

I was too tired to even care if he was a crazy mad man pretending to be a park ranger and said yes and climbed in. We passed the car that we had left at the top of the river so I at least knew that no one had abandoned me. After the ranger picked up the camper's money we headed back down and passed everyone else in the other car. Both cars stopped and I got out and into the other car. The adventure was over. We stopped at a pay phone at a gas station to call people and tell them we were OK, it was probably at least 9pm by then.

My brother-in-law and the others had gotten out of the river when it was really dark but before they reached the car. They had ended up getting a ride to the lower car by some guy in a truck. We drove home.

What was supposed to be a relaxing cruise down a gentle river ended feeling far more like the movie Deliverance(only with less sodomy and minimal murder).

When I got home I slept for hours upon hours and hoped I would never do something like that ever again. Since I survived and didn't actually get hurt I still rate the trip as a success.

Not an update, but words must go here.

I haven't done anything that I'd consider funny over at Cracked.com so I guess I'll start posting some original content here. Hopefully this week.

Like gadgets?

If you enjoy gadget related tomfoolery you can check out a place that hired me on to write for them.

OhGizmo.com is a gadget blog. I wrote a father's day article for them and they decided to hire me on to write 6 mini articles per week. The first set of my articles is up now.


http://www.ohgizmo.com/2008/06/24/cellphone-microscope-humanity-one-step-closer-to-creating-a-tricorder/

http://www.ohgizmo.com/2008/06/24/hyundai-3-d-lcd-television-comes-to-japan/

http://www.ohgizmo.com/2008/06/24/solar-powered-ipods-will-they-soon-be-a-reality/

And just like Cracked.com there are performance bonuses. So if you can get one hundred thousand of your closest friends to read and Digg my articles I'll stop saying mean things to you guys behind your back, or something like that.

Don't know what to do with that leftover paypal money?

Then give it to me, I have lots of ideas of what to do with it.

But seriously, if you ever want to donate money because I either made you laugh or cry or some more realistic reason then go ahead and send it to my paypal account using the address jonathankimak (at) shaw (dot) ca

And once again here is a promise to eventually create some original posts in this place.

Um, yeah.

This is on the forums somewhere, I don't remember where and I don't know why I drew it.

Enjoy?

Treasure Map

This be the directions to me treasure, yar. Click for full size.

Why Angelina Jolie Will Be President of the USA in 2016

This is something that I started way back in september-october of 2007 as a potential pitch to Cracked. Since it was not based on anything real it was not a suitable article and I abandoned it. But as I have a long history of leaving things unfinished I decided to finish this article. So here it is. Then I finished it and posted it on the Cracked writers board back in March. So the beginning would need some changing since Barack Obama is the only contender now but fuck that, if it took me months to finish this and more months to post in here then there's little chance I'm going to edit it now even if such an edit would only take a minute. I'm classy like that.

Why Angelina Jolie Will Be President in 2016


Many news outlets are furiously covering the current 2008 US Presidential Election. But they need not worry about predicting the next president. Why? Because I can already tell you who will win. Neither Barrack Obama or Hilary Clinton will be president. They will soon realize that all their petty insults directed towards each other are really the result of their hidden lust for one another. They will run off and live in the Swiss Alps where the press won't bother them. Bill Clinton will say it's the happiest day of his life. Meanwhile John McCain will be p(resident) of the Shady Acres Senior Home.


So who does that leave to take the reins from George W. Bush?


Dennis Kucinich and his running mate Gimli, son of Glóin, from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Their elf-dwarf alliance will lead the country out of chaos and create a stable, Orc-free nation until their second term expires in 2016.

And who will take over middle-earth the USA after they leave office?

Angelina Jolie, and here's why:


Her tattoos hold the secrets to victory

Angelina has 13 confirmed tattoos and has had 7 other tattoos removed or inked over. Current tattoos include a tiger and a dragon on her back, a Latin cross and the words "Quod me nutrit me destruit" (Latin for "What nourishes me also destroys me") below her navel.

Why all the tattoos? Because she's a real life Michael Fucking Scofield! Only with more hair, a nicer chest and her tats don't make her look like roided out Smurf.



Yes siree, Angelina's tattoos have secrets encoded in them that will A) Get Her elected and B) Tell her what to do while acting as the commander-in-chief.

Possible meanings of the tattoos? Since I'm not part of the Jolie-Pitt Cabal I can't say for sure but I have some clues.

For one thing she has 4 sets of coordinates written on her left shoulder, replacing the Billy Bob tattoo. Jolie claims that each coordinate corresponds with the location where each of her children were either born or adopted from.

But what do they really represent? Locations to futuristic weapons? Untold amounts of gold to finance her campaign? A re-cut edition of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow that doesn't suck? Or maybe they are coordinates to 4 tombs that, when all the planets are in alignment, will reveal the secret location of a.. well, you get the picture.

She hates her dad

Ever since Angelina's father, Jon Voight made a public statement saying that his daughter is bat-shit crazy the two have not been on speaking terms. Usually family is a big issue when running a campaign. Hell, even the closeted gay politicians usually have a wife and two kids that stand by their side for each drearily dull speech.

So at first this seems like a bad PR choice for Angelina. Not so! Let's say that the Prime Minister of Canada makes a death threat to Jon Voight while Angelina is in office, the US won't have to invade Canada to appease Angelina's sense of honor. Instead, Angelina can just hogtie her Dad(we hear she's good with bondage) and ship him off to Moosejaw, Saskatchewan. In return, Canada might promise to take back Pamela Anderson.


The Horde

Forget about kissing babies, Angelina ups the ante by adopting them. She'd already have more kids if the orphanages offered six-pack discounts. But at 1 kid per year (either adopted or spawned) she can have 7 more before the start of her campaign in 2014. She's even having twins to speed up the process. Her next adoption won't even involve a small child. She will have evolved her strategy to bring in older kids that can be put to work on her campaign.

Remember the story months ago about Mitt Romney and his 5 sons? The sons that were so patriotic they didn't go to fight in a war, because they were doing their duty campaigning for Papa. Angelina has taken that strategy and run wild with it. Romney only has 5 kids, Jolie will have a dozen. PLUS she gets to pick what the kids look like.

Talk about a dream team for a campaign. She can have a kid for every demographic available. Asian? Check. African-american black? Check. African-African black? Check. Russian? Check. Kwik-e-mart Indian? Check. Casino Indian? Check. Hispanic? She'll take two.

Now everyone will have a race-based reason for voting for her. How can anyone criticize her for being racist when she has a kid of every ethnicity living in her own house? And when they do house work it's called “chores” instead of child labour. Bravo Ms. Jolie, bravo.


Her appeal to every demographic known to humanity(and some that haven't even been invented yet)

As an actor, Angelina has played a diverse amount of roles. In her real life she's played just as many unique roles as well. This is very effective at attracting the voters who only want to vote for "one of their own.” Angelina has no problem fitting in with whatever community she's in.

She's played a hacker and also starred as one of the hottest video game characters ever, so she's got the computer and gaming geeks at her mercy. She's been an assassin that loves guns so she'll have the NRA on her side. She's been a cop, a car thief and even a mental patient. Whatever niche voting block exists, she's played one.

In her real life she's been a lesbian, a bisexual and then a straight woman. She's been a mother, a divorcee and a S&M enthusiast. She even had a controversial kiss on the lips with her brother. That should help her carry Kentucky. Everyone in America will be able to look at an aspect of Angelina's life and say she's just like me” and her voter popularity will soar.

A sex scandal everyone would want to happen.

Sex scandals are nothing new to politics. The affairs aren't that scandalous though. The really scary thing is how ugly most of the people who have the affairs are.










Yea, sorry for that last picture. But it makes a good contrast to what an Angelina Jolie scandal would involve.





Angelina Jolie has had more sex on screen than Wendy Whoppers(Congresswoman, (D)-Nevada). It's very easy to picture her having sex. Very, easy. So easy, oh yeah oh…wait, back to the article.

If a scandal broke out that Angelina was having an affair the tabloids would be all over it like Jim McGreevy on a cabana boy. But there would not be the large amount of moral outrage usually associated with a sex scandal. Instead there would be aspirations that this sort of thing would happen all the time. Then while all the papers and TV shows talk about the affair and show every movie clip of Angelina Jolie having sex(running time 26 hours), Angelina could actually get some work done. Who needs an interview with Angelina Jolie when you can legally show sex on the news and call it serious reporting. She gets left alone and the country gets some shit done.


She's hot

Maybe you haven't realized it yet, but Angelina Jolie is pretty hot. And once the first kid came in through the mail Angelina Jolie became an official MILF.

If she were president she'd become the very first President of the United States I'd Like to Fuck (or POTUSILF). Chester A. Arthur could have been the first POTUSILF but I hear he was just giving away hot dickings down at the phonograph stores. What a whore.


Gave out mustache rides for a penny.


Angelina can get millions of votes just based on her looks alone. People like to vote for attractive people. It makes the voters feel attractive. One of the main reasons George W. Bush got elected twice was because of his shapely posterior. People would see him on TV and shout “What an ass.” Clearly the voters of America like a nice looking buttocks sitting on the presidential chair.

Of course a lazy and childish writer would make mention that many people wouldn't vote for Angelina because they'd be too distracted to go to the polls. They'd then list the reasons why people were distracted and giggle like a 12 year old. They would say things like “Oh those 18 year old males will certainly be thinking of Angelina Jolie when they pull their lever, at HOME. Hey-ooh!” Or “Young men will be too busy to go to the polls because they're focused on their own pole. Hey-ooh!” They might even stoop so low as to say a crude joke like “Men like to masturbate. They certainly will be masturbating when they think of Angelina Jolie. They will then go and vote for Angelina Jolie, and then masturbate. Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. Ooh-hey! Masturbate!” I am not such a lazy and childish writer and thus I will not make any mention of Angelina Jolie and any reference to masturbation.

In conclusion

With Angelina Jolie president the country will thrive, that is a certainty. So why bother talking about all the great things she'll do in her 8 years in office. Instead I'd like to briefly show you who will take over after her glorious reign as POTUSILF.

Time to finally update this

Okay I'll finally update this thing. And since a group of people at the cracked forums have started promoting each others blogs I might actually keep on updating this thing more often than monthly/yearly.

As usual I'm going to just post funny crap I wrote and/or submitted to the Cracked.com forums. Eventually I'll post some original stuff that may even be funny.

First off some shameless self-promotion. I've written 2 articles for Cracked.com

This one about horrible cameos in movies

And

This one about really useless video game accessories.

The accessories one actually got me an offer from another site to write a gadget related article. So I wrote about some good and bad Father's day gadgets and got paid to do it.

I like getting paid. If you ever feel the need to just send me money, do it. It's God's way of saying that you have too much money.

More stuff to come.

Sir Roger

I was doodling in Paint.net and created a wonderful piece of art. It was a stick man that I named Sir Roger Portnoy. I decided to create a little scenario for him that people on the forums at Cracked could then have fun with. I assumed that my obstacles would be solved in ways unimaginable to myself. I was right. The forum members who participated made my entire week better due to their brilliance. (Click pictures for large images)




Nedroid was the first to respond.




The Iron Colonel was next.




not terribly clever took on Al Sharpton.




Mortal Wombat took the adventure in a new direction.



Logical Penguin gave the story a nice climax and epilogue.





And thus Sir Roger's quest was over. My sincerest thanks to all who were involved.

2007 Checklist: A look back at the past year.

Guess what time of year I wrote this at.

1. Do something new

I found a way to add several new TV shows to my already full repertoire of TV viewing.

2. Learn a skill

Pretending to be a homeless man to get free food is not as hard as I had thought.

3. Lose some weight

I lost 3 kilos. My cartel was not pleased. But the upside is I lost more weight from it, anyone know how much 1 testicle weighs?

4. Be nicer and more giving.

I learned about Karma and Joy. I gave them $50 each and got a gift that kept on giving in return. The itch still hasn't gone away.


5. Quit Drinking alcohol

Cocaine works faster anyways.

6. Get organized

See #3

7. Enjoy Life

Two hours of yard time a day(for good behaviour) makes every day seem like Christmas.

8. Spend more time with the family

Got a cell closer to my Uncle Vito.


9. Wish everyone a happy new year!

Happy New Year Everyone!

Sleep: Now with pyramids!

Somehow a discussion turned to sleep and the varying dimensions of sleep. So I made this.

Heroes Season 2 Why the company never killed Adam

I'm a fan of Heroes and like many people I got confused as to why certain things were happening. One big one was why the company never killed Adam(aka Kensei aka that guy you last saw on Alias). So I wrote my own scene about why they would do something like that. This was written a week before the early season finale where we do get some closure on Adam.

Why the Company didn't kill Adam, a musing in 26 acts.

Scene:
Large office with long conference desk and many chairs. Members of the Company all seated. People seem unsettled.

Bob: Alright everyone, settle down. As you have probably head by now, Adam Monroe attempted to steal vial 138 of the Shanti virus. That strain, if released, would have killed us all. We have Adam in custody and now we have to decide what to do with him. Any suggestions?

Kaito Nakamura: Kill that bastard and do it now, I'll get my shotgun.

Charles Deveaux: I'm with Kaito, let's kill him.

Angela Petrelli: I think Kaito and myself need to discuss this further, in my room.

All the other founders that never get mentioned: Yes, let's kill Adam.

Arthur Petrelli: No, you fools, we can't kill Adam.

Kaito: Yes we can, a shotgun to the face will kill him instantly, there's no coming back from that one.

Arthur: No Kaito, I mean.. Kaito pay attention, stop looking at MY wife. I know we "can" kill Adam. But we can't kill him because he is too integral to the plot.

Bob: What plot?

Arthur: The plot of the Television series we are all in.

Charles Deveaux: Arthur, have you gone mad? We are real people, in the real world. We just happen to have abilities akin to characters in a comic book, or a TV show based on comic books, or a miniseries idea that's dragged on to long and now has no idea where it's going. But we are REAL dammit.

Arthur: No we are not real, we are fictional characters.

Angela: Arthur dear, how can you know this?

Arthur: Because, my ability is to break the fourth wall.

Everyone: Gasp!

Arthur: Yes, it's true. I can communicate directly with the audience that is watching us right now. All I do is turn this way. Arthur turns towards camera. And now I can talk to them and tell them things.

Kaito: Fine Arthur, you can talk to your "audience" but what does it have to do with us not killing Adam Monroe?

Arthur: If we kill Adam, then we would not have a story line that shows the consequences of time travel. And the future wouldn't have any ambiguity about who is good and who is bad. Don't you see, if we kill Adam, then everything will be far too clear for the "audience."

Bob: But the "audience", as you call them, they must be rational thinking people, right? Wouldn't they enjoy a straightforward romp through a set of predetermined challenges that slowly leads up to a climatic battle of good versus evil?

Arthur: No, they may think they want that, but my power shows me that moral ambiguity makes characters such as ourselves seem more human. And people need to identify with characters, otherwise they would realize that their emotions are being fucked with so that their brains don't think about the inconsistencies in our story.

Kaito: So what do you propose we do with Adam?

Arthur: Keep him locked up for the rest of eternity.

Bob: Won't that just give him a very long time to plan revenge and prepare for his eventual escape?

Arthur: Yes, but if we want the moral ambiguity we must realize that eventually he has to escape. For the good of the plot.

Kaito: But don't you think he will want to kill us all when he escapes?

Arthur: Well... probably. But if we die, it will make the struggles of our children seem far more important.

Angela: Fuck that. I'm out of here. Kaito come on, let's go "discuss" this further, in the backseat of your car.

Kaito: No Angela, we must be resigned to our fates. We are mere characters. We cannot think rationally like our audience. We must obey the will of Kring.

Harry Fletcher: Isn't this just fucking with the minds of the audience? Really, they will eventually realize that the will of Kring is shit. They will all ask why we didn't blow Adam's fucking head right off at this very moment. It's bullshit. Total bullshit. And if the people ever realize it, there will be anarchy.

Arthur: Harry, one more word out of you and you will die without anyone knowing who you are, what your power is, how you die or what you look like.

Harry: So what, I bet no one even knows what YOU look like Arthur.

Arthur stands up, removes gun from hidden holster and points it towards Harry.

Arthur: They don't know what I look like because it adds mystery and saves the budget for more important things. Like writing plots with moral ambiguity.

Arthur shoots Harry in the head.

Arthur: Adam lives. Got it?

Everyone: Got it!

Arthur stares over the warm corpse of Harry Fletcher

Arthur: Well Harry, at least they know how you died.

End Scene

Things that are things

A little Dr. Seuss inspired thing that I made. It's easiest to click on the picture to see the full sized version.

How to cook a turkey.

Here is what I consider the first post at Cracked where I actually put some effort in to make people laugh. It was in a thread about cooking turkey for thanksgiving.



Deep Frying a Turkey is the best way to go.

Step 1.

Buy a Deep Frying Turkey Basin.

If you cannot afford such a device, a garbage can atop a pile of flaming leaves can be a cheap and easy substitute.
Also, be sure to buy a turkey. If the price of turkey is too much, consider using free range birds, such as pigeons.

Step 2.

Fill the basin to the brim with oil. While engine oil does add a delightful new-car smell to the turkey, it is best to use vegetable oil. Turkeys are usually vegetable and grain fed, thus the vegetable oil gives the soul of the turkey peace in the afterlife, this increases the flavor dramatically. Be sure that the oil is at the brim, you can never have enough oil. You could even spread some oil around the ground surrounding the basin to appease the ancient god of turkey.

Step 3.

Find a suitable location for to set up. Ideally you should consider setting up inside. At this time of year it can be quite cold, this will only slow down the cooking process. The added heat from being inside can reduce precious minutes from your busy holiday schedule.

In addition, by cooking inside you allow the smoke to stay in the area, thus enriching the taste. Smoked and fried turkey is extremely delicious.

Step 4.

Don't forget to include the children. No, I'm not implying that you fry the children, that would be barbaric. But they should be involved early on. Food preparation and working around oil are two jobs that your child should learn as soon as possible, as they can then be prepared for life after school when their 4-year degree turns out to be a useless degree that will never get them a job.

Let the kids help with placing the turkey in the fryer. They are shorter and thus closer to the fryer, so less splashing of the oil will occur when they place the turkey in. If the kids are bored with the chore, spice it up by making a game out of it. Let the kids try out their basketball talents by throwing the turkey into the fryer. Practice makes perfect.

Step 5.

Now that the turkey is in the fryer, you can sit back and relax for a while. We live in the age of technology, so there is no need to worry about that turkey, technology will keep you safe. Cooking time should be 4 minutes per pound, which seems absurd since we're talking about a NORTH AMERICAN holiday. So it should really be 2 minutes per DOLLAR. So if you paid $30 for your turkey, then it should take 60 minutes to cook at 350 °F (175 °C for those "metric" folks). Set your watch and go drink some beer. If you don't have a watch, just use the beer as a timer. I can usually down a can of beer in 4 minutes, so after I've had 15 beers I know the turkey is done.

Step 6.

Removing the turkey. The oil is quite hot and so is the frying basin. So ideally you should get a large stick and tip over the frying basin. It's ok to spill the hot oil on your floors, especially if they are wooden floors. The oil will give your floor a nice shine that will improve the value of your house. All you have to do after that is pick up the turkey off the floor and put in on a plate, ready to serve.

Bon Apetit!

Once again.

Once again I'm going to try and start blogging. This time I've decided to take a new path and just post funny stuff that I wrote, drew or otherwise created. Hopefully some of you will find this stuff funny.

For now I'm going to fill the space up with stuff I've done in the forums of Cracked.com
I love the forums there. They occasionally inspire me to put some effort into a post just to make a few people laugh.