First, I will soon be writing for Collegehumor.com. And I'll still be coming up with ideas for Cracked.com as well.
Secondly, I have started the NanoWriMo competition. That's the National Novel Writing Month Competition(that doesn't actually have any real prizes other than self respect which you probably already have anyways unless you weigh 400 pounds).
The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel in one month. I'm doing it to get myself in the habit of writing 2,000 words everyday so that I could potentially either write a real novel or at least write enough stuff per day to get paid enough to live off my writing alone.
My Profile at NanoWrimo.com
Anyways, I've written 1,000 words already and will now share them with you. I thought of all my ideas about 5 minutes before I started writing and I have no idea where this book will go from here, but that's kind of the point of NanoWrimo.
Nanowrimo Novel:So, What's this glowing crystal do?
Michael Redding had the most unusual experience. He found himself standing in a large cavernous chamber. This was odd because just a moment before, Michael was in his room laying down in his bed asleep. This posed many difficulties, the main one that a person who is laying down asleep is not usually prepared for standing and thus Michael, still asleep, found himself rapidly heading towards the floor of the chamber. The jolt both woke Michael up and made him pass out seconds later from the pain in his head and other parts of his body. I say other parts because the unconcious Michael Redding had been having a very realistic dream about model Gemma Atkinson who was wearing a tight blue bikini that Michael knew from her 2008/2009 calendar. So the fall managed to hurt Michael's head, his crotch and his hand which was unceremoniously holding his penis.
When Michael awoke several minutes later he heard a voice. "You there. Yes, you" an old voice echoed in the chamber. "Ugh" was the most articulate response Michael could form at the moment. The voice seemed to come closer and said "Young boy, are you Roger Weatherby of 542 Livingston Drive, Manchester, England?"
Michael seemed to notice a blurred figure approaching him now. The vision blurring was not due to the bump on Michael's head but rather the fact that most people who wear eyeglasses do not tend to wear them when they sleep. Michael finally heard the voice repeat itself and answered. "No, I'm not Roger Weatherby, I'm Michael Redding." The blurry man came into focus as the man moved to sit beside Michael. The now clear man seemed like the stereotypical wizard archetype which Michael, a large fan of fantasy novels, knew very well. "And you are from?" the old man asked. "Regina, Saskatchewan" replied Michael.
The wizard-looking man had a dissapointed look on his face and went back to standing. "Oh dear" he said. "It would seem that I miscalculated." Michael looked up at the man. "Wait, let me guess, you wanted to transport someone else here, didn't you?" Wizard man looked at Michael, "Yes, but how did you know that." "I read a lot of books that deal with shit like this. Are you a wizard?" The man who looked like a wizard replied "Yes I am." The wizard, all of a sudden remembering his manners towards guests that he just transported into his chamber bowed low. "My name is Eldric the Elongated, high wizard of the purple order." Purple? That's so gay thought Michael. Then Michael realized that wizards might be able to read minds and quickly started thinking about breasts.
Eldric began pacing around Michael. "This was not the plan. I was supposed to summon Roger Weatherby of 542 Livingston Drive, Manchester, England. Tell me, is this Regina, Saskatchewan, anywhere near Manchester, England?" "No, I think it's like thousands of miles away" replied Michael who quickly added. "So, are you going to send me back?" Even through the blur, Michael could see the wizard's eyebrows raise and the expression on the old man's face didn't help either. "No, that is impossible, the transportation is a one way deal. I take you, well not you, Roger, the chosen one. I take him and set him on a great task to save my world from destruction." "Bullshit!" shouted Michael. "That's a lie, every book I've ever read always has the dude who does the transporting say that because he knows that no one is going to risk their life to save some stupid fairy world unless they have no other choice. But there is always another choice because there's probably ten different ways to get back to my world so send me back now muchacho."
The muchacho word caught both the wizard and Michael by surprise. Michael wasn't sure he'd ever said something like that before. Eldric the Elongated looked like he was going to refute all the Michael had said but then thought better of it. "You are a smart one young Michael. And you are right, there are many ways back to your world. But seeing as I transported the wrong person and was thousands of miles off I do not think you would like me to send you back until I fix the problem. Michael seemed to agree with that logic. "So what's the problem? Why didn't you get the right guy for this shitass hero job?" "I don't know, but if you'll excuse me for some time I might be able to figure it out."
Eldric started to move away when Michael realized something. "Hey, Eldric, do you have any glasses I could use?" "Silly me, you must be thirsty. I'll grab you some spring water." Michael sighed. "No, not a glass of water, eyeglasses, optical orbs, spectacles." This seemed to not affect Eldric's expression at all. "Things you put on over your eyes so that you can see clearly. I need something like that because all I see are blurs." Eldric smiled, "Ah, you mean dildos. Yes I have many of those for reading."
Eldric quickly walked off in search of some reading dildos that Michael really hoped looked like regular glasses. While he waited, Michael began to hum and then softly sing. "Fuck me in the ass, gently. Fuck me in the ass so tenderly" Michael sang. He and his friends had gotten into the habit of taking real songs and replacing the real lyrics with the gayest lines they could think of. Eventually Michael started composing his own gay themed songs like the one he was singing now. His friends started hanging out with him less after that.
Eldric returned as Michael was on the third verse of Gentle ass fucker. The "dildos" in Eldric's hand looked like regular glasses and Michael just expected that this would not be the only werid word exchange between his world and wherever he was now. He put on the glasses and while they weren't a perfect match to his prescription they were close enough so that Michael figured he wouldn't get any headaches.