Friday, November 21, 2008

24 in 24 words

24 is finally coming back to TV this sunday with a 2 hour movie.

I was asked to write a brief synopsis of each season using just 24 words per season.

You can check it out here

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Nanowrimo Novel Part 5: Clothes

On his walk through the town Michael noticed that there were a few young women looking out their windows at him. He smiled and did some gun fingers and winks in the ladies' general direction. This usually made each woman quickly close their blinds. Michael decided to get some clothes, but didn't know where to go. So he kept wandering down the streets, blinds shutting everywhere he went.

Finally he saw a place with shirts in the window. A sign on the outside said Harold Muncher's Clothing Repository. Michael stumbled in through the door and felt a welcoming warm air inside. At first Michael didn't see anyone and although he does regret it now, his first thought was to steal the clothes he needed and then be on his way. Luckily for Michael's conscience someone made a noise near the back of the store causing the idea of a five fingered discount to leave Michael's head.

Moments later a little head peeked out from the large pile of clothes scattered on the floor. The head belonged to an middle aged man who was about Michael's height. "Can I help you sir," asked the man, although his expression might have been different had he first seen Michael in his undies. "I need some clothes, size extra extra large" said Michael. To his benefit, the older man, who we will now call Harold, because that is his name, did not now seem phased by the lack of clothing already on Michael."Extra, extra large?" exclaimed Harold. "I've never heard of such mesaurements." Harold motioned for Michael to come closer. "We can measure you and get you clothed right away sir." The man hobbled over to Michael and brought out a measuring tape.

He didn't seem to mind Michael being in his underwear and may have even thought it a far easier way to measure customers for clothes. In fact, several days later Harold Muncher's Clothing had a new rule posted on the front window claiming that anyone who came in with only their underwear on would receive a 5% discount.

Other than a far too casual measurement of his in-seam, Michael felt fairly comfortable. When it was finished Harold told Michael to sit down and that his new clothes would be finished shortly. Minutes later the tailor returned with some clothes that looked far different than Michael had imagined. While Michael figured the clothes would be old and possibly Amish looking, the clothese were actually bright and colorful and made for a gay man. Bright neon green pants and a stlylish pink shirt with a light red vest were staring down Michael, daring him to put them on.

Harold smiled, "Well, be a good lad and try them on, I think you'll look marvelous in them." Michael hesitantly put them on while Harold went into the back room again. When Michael saw the mirror that Harold came back with his first instinct was to close his eyes and pretend he was wearing tight denim jeans and a muscle shirt. A short cough brought Michael back to reality(if you could call a fairy world reality) and he gazed upon his extra extra large and extra extra gay clothes. "Do other people wear this type of clothing?" asked Michael, fidgeting with his pink shirt. "Oh no, not usually. In fact it was quite an odd request," replied the tailor. "But when your servant came before you and told me who you were I was quite happy to oblige," the tailor moved forward and whispered "the chosen one."
"Great, another test from that fucking gnome Fattywhorebag" thought Michael, who now wished he could repunt the gnome out of the story a second time. "I don't have any money to pay you," said Michael. Harold smiled, "That's quite alright, I'm just happy to be of service to you."

Free clothes, but at a high price thought Michael. Then, realizing he still didn't know where to go Michael asked for some directions to Garthur the wizard and also asked where he could find a horse and cart. The tailor sent Michael off with instructions to find Lara Idlerow who managed one of the taverns nearby.

Nanowrimo Novel Part 4: Tough guy, Ninjas, and Tea.

They began the trip towards the village quiety, Fattywhorebag leading the way. But the quiet was too much for the little gnome and he slowed down to walk side by side with Michael. They talked—well, fattywhorebag talked, for the entire trip. He told Michael all about the land, the various creatures and a few good recipes for cooking flatulent flying pigmy hippos, although the gnome had never eaten any of the recipes he mentioned.

Finally they arrived at the village. It looked surprisingly dull and lifeless and actually made Michael think he was back In Saskatchewan again. The houses were not too large and there didn't seem to be many stores open.

Fattywhorebag lead Michael to a house in the middle of town. The gnome banged on the door. No one answered so Fattywhorebag banged on the door again. This time someone opened the door. Michael could see that it was not a gnome but looked mostly human. Other than a third eye and a green tinted skin colour it actually looked a lot like Bruce McMasterston, a local bully that Michael was well acquainted with. This green-Bruce as Michael dubbed him seemed to be very agitated at the gnome knocking on his door.

Before the gnome could make introductions green Bruce grabbed Fattywhorebag and then punted the 3 foot tall gnome down the street. Michael didn't think this was the welcome that the gnome expected. Michael had turned to see the gnome's flight and rough landing and when he turned his head back towards green Bruce Michael noticed the man thing was charging at him. The enraged man-thing was screaming at the top of his lungs and hit Michael hard enough to knock him down.

Michael realized he was going to have to fight this angry green thing, he didn't know why, just that it seemed like the right thing to do instead of running away and crying. Of course, for all his determination, which was in short supply on a peacefull day, Michael was also not the best prepared fighter. While he did play many many hours of video games and computer games, Michael's physique was rather non-heroic in nature.

A 250 pound, five foot six young man was not much of a challenge for a six foot tall, three eyed green tinted Hulk immitation. Nevertheless Michael decided to attempt an attack. As he got up again Michael could see green Bruce prepared for another charge. Michael planted his feet and prepared for the onslaught. This was the one time Michael felt proud of all the times he was refered to as "Sumo Homo," although the feeling didn't last long. As green Bruce neared Michael, Michael sidestepped so that the man-thing would miss him. Thinking and doing are two very different concepts and Michael's effort only moved him partially out of the way, leaving his right shoulder in the path of green Bruce's full bulk. The hit pushed Michael back down to the ground. This time he noticed green Bruce was still nearby and walking towards Michael.

Done with the running charges, green Bruce was ready for some hand to hand combat, which was never a specialty of Michael's in FPS, he preffered the SPAS-12 shotgun most of the time. Green Bruce came up and hit Michael in the chest. The pain sensation was overwhelming and Michael thought he would pass out just from that one punch. But he didn't and the punches kept coming. Michael would have tried to say something to stop this guy from hitting him but he really couldn't think of anything at the moment, possibly due to the concussion that occurred when the man's right hook landed on Michael's forhead.

It was then that the green man-thing made its mistake. It hit Michael in the stomach. The hit was painful to Michael. But the hits started to bring up the late night snack of four pizza pops that Michael had had just before he went to bed and was transported into this world. Finally green Bruce hit what would have seemed like the barf button because everything came spewing onto the guy. For those who may not be aware of what a Pizza Pop is here is a brief summary. When a food manufacturer has run out of things to do with a carcass of some animal he takes the remains, blends them up, throws in some old cheese and pours the concoction into a breaded soft shell, that is what a Pizza Pop is. Four of those carcass filled, heartburn inducing foodstuffs came hurling out onto green Bruce's face, torso and shoes. Even food that Michael never recalled eating in his life came out and sploshed on Michael's assailant.

The initial barrage of vomit that had hit green Bruce was starting to slide its way down the rest of green Bruce's extremely angry body. And while the anger was so strong that Michael could feel it resonating off green Bruce's body, another emotion, one of disgust, started to overwhelm the green beast-man-thing. After a full minute of wallowing in vomit, green Bruche ran off, screaming and crying like a little sissy girl that had just lost her favorite barbie.

At this point Michael thought it would be a good idea to pass out onto the street and promptly did so, injuring his head further in the process. When he awoke Michael felt as if he had spent an entire week listening non-stop to Nickleback songs. When he looked around he finally saw the little gnome, Fattywhorebag, sitting in front of the house where green Bruce lived. The day still seemed light out so michael hoped that he hadn't passed out for long. He also hoped that green Bruce was gone. Fattywhorebag asweaged Michael's fears by telling him that Thorton would be gone for a long time and that they could go into his house for a while.

Michael picked himself up and staggered into the small house. He quickly found a chair and plopped down on it and there he passed out again. When awoke this time it was to some very pleasing scents. There was a warm cup of tea right by Michael's head, on a tiny table beside the chair. Michael picked it up and took a sip, it tasted like vomit, which Michael just realized was still in and around his mouth. Vomit is a nasty thing to get out of your mouth and right now Michael was really wishing for some mouthwash. He didn't see the little gnome anywhere and tried calling several times until he felt odd saying the name Fattywhorebag often enough that it became comfortable.

Michael found the kettle on top of a small wood burning stove and used some of the water in it to clean out his mouth. Then he looked for some rum. Michael was never a big drinker and had in fact drank more alcohol before he was 19 than after. But right now the only thing on Michael's mind was numbing the pain of so many wounds and bruises and a massive headache. As he looked through the cupboards Michael wondered where the gnome had run off to and more importantly, where green Bruce(Michael had already forgotten the gnome calling the guy Thorton) was. His questions dissapeared when Michael found what looked like a standard flask full of an amber liquid. Michael sniffed the tip of the flask, he wasn't sure why he did that since he really had no memory of what different alcohols taste like. It just seemed like something to do. Michael tipped the flask over and let a few drops trickle down his throat. All of a sudden Michael felt better, even better than he had before the fight. He felt stronger and more handsome, he knew that he had just drank some alcohol because he didn't care about anything anymore. He was ready to kick some ass.

Michael stormed out of the house, the flask secured in his underwear. Yes, this entire time, Michael was just in his underwear. For some reason the thought of putting on clothes or asking for clothes never dawned on Michael. And with the alcohol in his system, Michael cared even less that he was walking around nearly naked.

Suddenly Michael blanked out an awoke, it was all a dream. Michael was still in bed, hand on crotch and back to thinking of Gemma Atkinson. But then Michael snapped out of his drunkeness for one second and realized that he was still in the fairy world. Or was he? Yes he was and that will be the end of this paragraph, for now.

Michael still didn't see any sign of the gnome but he did see four dark shapes moving towards him, quickly. "Oh god, please let those not be the overused ninja cliches." But indeed they were overused ninja cliches. They came charging at Michael, jumping, kicking and acting all ninja-like. But Michael was fueled with the weird alcohol and suddenly moved very quickly and quite ninja like himself, if ever there were a 250 mostly naked ninja. It seemed much like Chris Farley's skit on Saturday Night Live where he was a stripper was mixed in with Farley's movie Beverly Hills Ninja and that Michael was the start. Only Michael was a competent ninja fighter now and didn't care to dance.

Fists flew, crotches were punched and kicked and for one second, fondled. The ninjas lay on the ground, unconcious and dreaming of pirates. Finally the little gnome Fattywhorebag returned with a large smile on his face. "You did it, you really are the chosen one." This puzzled the no longer drunk but still buzzed Michael. "What was all of that?" asked Michael. "It was my test. I couldn't be sure if you were just using me and were lying about being the chosen one. But you defeated both Thorton and the ninjas I sent after you. Bravo. Now I'll lead you to Garthur right away." With every last bit of drunken strength Michael managed to kick Fattywhorebag so hard in the nuts that the little gnome disappeared from this novel and flew into the sun. Michael laughed, then puked, then laughed some more, then puked. Finally he was mostly sober but kind of still drunk and went walking down the street, still in his underwear, which were rather dirty.

Nanowrimo novel: Part 3: Fattywhorebag and the Flatulent Hippo

Finally the farmer came, his name was Ivan the farmer. Michael looked around the television room one last time, flipped the bird in the general direction of where he thought Eldric was and then left. This was Michael's first time out of the wizard's place and Michael realized that the cavern was up high in a mountain. Michael got on the cart that was pulled by two horses that looked quite old. They travelled down the mountain without saying a word. It was daylight outside and Michael could see the surronding area quite well from the cart.

The countryside looked much like he had imagined it would, no signs of industry, just trees and farms and large open areas that pleased Michael. And just as he was breathing in the clean crisp air, Michael found himself flying with a tingling sensation around his body. It wasn't until 5 seconds later that he realized he was falling and the tingling sensation was actually his skin burning from fire.
There was an evil pigmy hippopotamus with rather large wings that had been sent out to kill the chosen one. Only the hippo and its mysterious dark master, had not gotten the memo concerning the fact that Michael was not the chosen one. The flying pigmy hippo had come crashing into the cart and knocked it off the path. As the cart flew past the hippo the hippo let rip a large fart and as no one likely knows until now, flying pigmy hippos fart fire.

The only thing Michael could think of doing was to wave his arms frantically, pee his pants a little(although the pee dried rather quickly due to the fire), and scream. The screaming was the worst idea since the flames started to go down young Michael's throat, causing him even more pain.

The fear turned to anger and Michael thought There's no fucking way I'm going to die because of some perverted wizard. Immediately the flames went out and Michael could breathe again. Soon after Michael noticed he was slowing down. By the time he was near the ground, Michael had slowed down and landed softly on the grass at the foot of the mountain.

Michael looked around and other than grass and flowers, he didn't see anything else.
"Hello" said an unknown voice. This didn't come from Michael and in fact startled Michael. He looked all around and didn't see anyone. "Hello" the voice said again. Again Michael looked and again he saw nothing. Just then Michael felt something crawling up his leg. The thing, whatever it was, moved quickly enough that by the time he looked down, Michael didn't see anyone. Then he felt something on top of his shoulders, as if a kid had just jumped up on him. Two tiny hands crossed over Michael's eyes blocking his sight. "Peekaboo" said the strange voice, giggling. Michael stuggled to move the hands to no avail and then tried to pry whatever was on him off his back. Finally the thing gave up and jumped in front of Michael, landing softly on the ground.

The thing giggled again. "Hello" said the creature, as if this was the first time it had said it. "Uh hi" said Michael. "My name is Fattywhorebag, what's yours?" "Fattywhorebag?" asked Michael. "Wow, your name is the same as mine, what a coincidence" said Fattywhorebag. Michael titled his head down to look at the thing, it was about 3 feet tall, had a long white beard and a conical hat, it reminded him of something about traveling. "Uh no, no, my name is Michael. It's just that, well that's an unusual name, Fattywhorebag that is." The little thing looked at Michael a little longer and then seemed to act as if Michael hadn't insulted his name.
"Did you come from Eldric's place? That wizard is really weird, one time I saw him turning the clouds into shapes. All the shapes then seemed to act all intimate with the other shapes. A big cloud orgy in the sky, weird." The thing kept on talking and talking about many trivial things and then asked. "Wait, Michael, are you a wizard? I say that because you just came from the wizard's place and you were flying and on fire and then you stopped being on fire and then stopped flying and.."

"Wait, you didn't stop me from falling?" asked Michael. "Why of course not. How could I do that? I don't know any magic. Are you tricking me, wizards seem to like tricking me, like Eldric who one time…" Michael cut Fattwhorebag off once again. "But if you didn't stop me, then who did? I don't know any magic, I'm not a wizard." Straining down to see Fattywhorebag was hurting Michael's neck so he decide to sit down.

"What are you, Fattywhorebag? What species I mean, sorry if this sounds rude, I'm new to the area" Fattywhorebags started jumping up and down. "Oh boy oh boy oh boy, you're the chosen one. I'm talking to the chosen one, oh that'll show those buggers back in the village. Can I be your loyal sidekick, all chosen ones need loyal sidekicks and I can get.."

"I'm not the chosen one" yelled out Michael, louder than he had wanted to.
"But you're from the otherworld, Eldric is always calling out chosen ones to come here and vanquish evil. Although it does seem weird that the evil never stays vanquished. There's like a chosen one coming at least once a year lately. Heh, evil. If you aren't the chosen one, then who will vanquish evil?"
"I don't know, why not you?"

Fattywhorebag laughed again. "hahaha me vaquish evil? I don't think so, we gnomes don't vanquish evil, we just make stuff and sell it to the highest payer." Gnome, now it made sense to Michael, Fattywhorebag looked a lot like the travelocity gnome that always found great discounts on travel. But Fattywhorebag didn't sound anything like that gnome, instead he sounded more like a child that had just taken some helium from a balloon.

It suddenly grew quiet, both Michael and Fattwhorebag seemed to have an awkward silence between themselves. This unerved Michael, having a chatterbox that never shut up suddenly shut up threw Michael off and he was left staring at his feet for a full five minutes before Fattywhorebag started talking again.

"So, chosen one, can I be your sidekick, I'll be quiet and do even the most menial tasks."
Michael sighed. "I'm not the chosen one, Eldric brought me here by mistake."
Fattywhorebag's eyes widened, "But, the cave in the mountain, the flames, the firey and flatulent flying hippopotamus, those all mean you are the chosen one."
"I'm not. Eldric was sending me to some other wizard to send me back so that I would be rid of this damn place."
Fattywhorebag's attitude rapidly changed at that moment. "Fine then, you're not the chosen one. Up yours non-chosen one. Have fun in this land you don't like and see how far you get."

Michael realized that even though the little angry gnome was an ass, Michael still need his help.
"Well, just because I'm not the chosen one doesn't mean I don't need help. You could still be my sidekick."
The gnome turned its back on Michael. "Sidekick to a nobody? No chance. I would be ridiculed by all the gnomes for the rest of my life. And unlike you large flesh bag humans, we gnomes live hundreds of years and I'm only 70." Michael tought hard and quick to try and think of something that could change the little gnome's mind as Fattywhorebag started to walk off.

"Wait, can you keep a secret?" asked Michael, trying his best to sound serious.
Fattywhorebag stopped and turned around but still looked upset. "Of course I can keep a secret, I'm well known for my secret keeping capabilities. Why just the other day some of my friends were talking about my secret keeping." Michael forced out a smile. "Good, then maybe I can let you in on my secret, but I can only tell my secret to one other person, er, gnomeson." Now the gnome's disposition changed back into a groveling sidekick. "Yes, yes, tell me, you can trust me."
michael leaned in close towards the gnome, "Alright, I can trust you, if you are my sidekick."
"Yes, I'll be your sidekick, I'll do whatever you want, just tell me the secret."
"OK, I really am the chosen one" said Michael.
"I knew it. I knew even when you said you weren't. I wasn't walking away from you I was just scouting the area to make sure it was clear." The gnome was beaming with excitement now.

"I am the sidekick to the chosen one, now I shall be written into the history books. Fattywhorebag the brave they shall call me. Or maybe Fattywhorebag the merciful." For once, Fattywhorebag actually paid attention to Michael's face and realized he was talking too much and shut up.

Michael kept on talking in hushed tones, thankful that he was getting somewhere finally. "I need to get to Garthur the wizard." "I know Garthur, I know him really well. Well, not really well but he passed by the village once and stopped by the store next to my home. He ordered a slice of mutton. It was a Tuesday in the winter, or was it a Wednesday in the spring, it doesn't matter. I know where he lives, I can show you the way oh chosen one." "shh" chided Michael. "You mustn't tell anyone I'm the chosen one. Enemies could come for us and we don't need any more flying hippos coming after us."

Michael just realized that he didn't know what happened to the hippo after it had attacked him. And as coincidence would have it this was the same moment that the flying hippo realized that it had not been successful at killing Michael. The hippo flew overhead and began a dive with a loud roar. It was coming closer towards Michael, its ass flaring with flames. Then it promptly froze in the air and exploded, hippo meat falling all over Michael and Fattywhorebag, who quickly produced an umbrella and jumped atop Michael's shoulders to protect him from the burnt carcass pieces.

When the sky was clear from the hippo bits, Michael looked up towards the cave in the mountain. He could just make out the wizard's shape, although it did look like there was a large protusion from the midsection. Michael didn't even want to think about what that meant. When Michael looked up again the wizard and his large protusion were both gone.

"Did you do that Michael the magnificent? I added that last part myself. You blew up the hippo right?"
"Uh, yeah, of course I did. Blew that fucker up good."
"Fucker?" asked the gnome. "I've never heard of that word before. What does it mean?"
"Um, it means, uh, enemy." Michael didn't want to waste time explaning the real meaning of the word but soon regretted it when he heard the little gnome saying "Fucker, fucker, fucker" continously for the next few minutes.

Sastisfied that he had commited the word to memory, Fattywhorebag started to lead Michael to his village. Fattywhorebag explained that they could find some transportation at his village and that would speed up the trip.

Nanowrimo Novel:So, What's this glowing crystal do? Part Deux

"So, what happens to me now?" asked Michael. Eldric began to pace again and now began muttering to himself. Michael tried asking again but it seemed that Eldric was too involved in whatever he was doing. Michael got up and immediately felt the pain in his crotch where the effects of falling to the floor erection first were still causing him some pain. He started walking hoping that would dim the effects but it still hurt.

It was during his walking and groaning that Michael saw something near one of the chambers walls. At first it looked like a regular lamp but as Michael approached it he began to see that it was in fact a glowing crystal. He got closer and thought about touching the crystal. "So, what's this glowing crystal do?" asked Michael, half hoping that the wizard wouldn't even hear him. But Eldric did hear him amidst his mutterings and quickly shouted "Don't touch that crystal." So, Michael didn't touch the crystal, he wasn't a complete idiot after all.

Eldric the Elongated walked swiftly over to Michael and the crystal and smacked the backside of Michael's head. "I told you not to touch that" Eldric exclaimed. "But, I didn't touch it" said Michael, rubbing his head. "Oh, you didn't, well then, my apology. I'm just very used to people touching things without asking." "So, what's that crystal do?" Eldric waved his hand and the crystal stopped glowing. He waved his hand again and the crystal began to glow again. "It's one of my reading lights, far better than candles but very expensive. Nearly every person I ever transport to this world ends up touching a reading crystal and destroying it." Eldric turned around and started walking away and Michael figured the wizard wanted him to follow. Eldric kept on talking "I was just having a conversation with another wizard I know, Garthur the Medium ranked wizard of neutral standing. He has agreed to transport you back to your world."

The two of them kept walking into a hallway that Michael hadn't noticed before. "How do we get there?" asked Michael. "We, don't get there, YOU get there" replied the wizard, as if this mistaken transport were Michael's doing. "It shall take me at least 3 months to perform another transport and I cannot delay much longer. The times are dire and the days are dark for my world unless I can summon the chosen one who is Roger Weatherby and NOT you." Michael stopped walking and turned to the wizard. "Hey dipshit, YOU'RE the one who messed up not me. You said you're a high wizard and you couldn't even get the right person, I mean you didn't even get someone from the same continent. If anything you should be getting me back and giving me one of the crystals that I didn't break to take home with me as payment for me falling on my dick."

Eldric was visibly shocked at someone standing up to him and was almost prepared to turn Michael into a four assed dog. Then Eldric realized that the boy was right. "Very well, I'll give you something for your troubles, but I still can't take you to Garthur, he lives 100 miles away from here and it will likely take at least 4 days for you to get there by foot." This did not appeal to Michael.

You see, Michael was not exactly the most fit person in the world. He was actually rather fat, and lazy. The appeal of walking 100 miles over 4 days left Michael with some stressful pains in his chest and stomach, either that or it was heartburn, on account of Michael being so fat. It appeared that Eldric had finally come to that realization as well and he paused once more to ponder. "I know, I can send for the farmer who is not far from here, he has several horses and a cart. He will be able to take you to Garthur rather quickly. I shall send him a message immediately. " They continued their walk down the hallway until the came to a room that looked very similar to an average living room, some chairs and a couch, wall decorations and a television. This puzzled Michael. "You may sit down while I go write up a message" said Eldric.

So Michael picked the couch and found a remote control. He had always thought of these fairy worlds as places where everyone and everything seemed to be like the middle ages but with magic. When he pressed the on button it wasn't what he expected. Michael figured that this would turn on some magical device that only looked like a plasma television. But instead the screen blinked for a second and then began showing a hockey game in high definition. While he was puzzled about this he forgot about it when he saw the Vancouver Canucks whistle past the defense of the Anaheim Ducks to score a goal. Michael's favorite team were the Ottawa Senators but when watching hockey, Michael always took a any-canadian-team-will do attitude when choosing who to cheer for.

30 minutes later the wizard Eldric finally returned and stood in front of the television, blocking an amazing shoot out goal that won the game for the Canucks. "Aww, come on Eldy, move your butt out of the way." Michael sighed and clicked the tv off. The old man looked down upon his chubby transported man-boy. "The message has been sent, the farmer shall arrive in an hour or two to pick you up and take you away. Feel free to watch the television." Michael remembered he wanted to ask the wizard about something. "The tv, how's it working? You said we were in another world and that you transported me here. So how do you get The Sports Network in a fairy world?" Eldric beemed at the chance to give an answer. "It's really quite simple, it's magic." "Oh Christ, that's the best answer you could come up with?" "Actually no, but I always wanted to say something like that to one of the people I transport. I usually wait for them to mention something to set me up for it but they never seem to. The tv is hooked to a cable, digital of course, and it gives me all the channels." Michael bunched up his eyes. "So, you get cable in this world?"
"But you just said"
"It's just regular coax cable connected to a cable outlet" said Eldric, now beeming in even greater delight.
"Listen, I know wizards are supposed to be eccentric, which really means that they like to be assholes to regular people but could you for just one second wipe that grin off your face and tell me."

"Very well" replied Eldric as he went to sit down in one of the chairs.
"The cable is magic, it is connected to a wall outlet in Ohio I believe. Part of the cable resides there in Ohio and part of it resides behind that television. I found out quite by accident one year that cable is a tricky thing to transport, not all of it is fully transported during my summonings. And I could bore you with more details but suffice to say I used this knowledge to my advantage, got one of my subjects in your world to hold onto a plasma tv on a certain date and transported him and the tv here along with half the cable." The wizard took a deep breath. "Satisfied?"
"I guess, do you get HBO?"
"Of course, I get every channel, it was part of the platinum package."
Michael thought of continuing this line of questioning but decided against it while the wizard turned on the tv again(but Michael had thought he had the remote in his hand but now saw it in Eldric's old hand) and put on Dancing with the Stars. Michael hoped the farmer would be early.

Halfway during the third team's mambo, Eldric fell asleep and began to snore. At least Michael thought it was snoring, there were puffs of smoke coming out of the wizard's nose and Michael just noticed that the beard of the wizard had a small area around the nose that looked rather singed. Now that he thought of it, Michael remembered a story about an Eldric who was a dragon and wondered if the two were related somehow even though the dragon was fictional.
When Dancing with the Stars was over(Michael didn't want to change the channel on the wizard) the local news came on, at least local for some area in Ohio. 25 minutes of murder and economy news and 1 minute of a fluffy kitten that was raising dogs later and Eldric awoke. There was still some time to kill before the farmer arrived so Michael went back to asking questions.

"Why is your name Eldric the Elongated, I mean I get the Eldric part, but what's the Elongated stand for?"
Eldric winked. "It refers to the size of my wand" he said with a wink.
"You're talking about your penis aren't you?"
"Of course I am, wizards don't actually need wands. Yes my name was given to me during my studies by many a fair maiden, and that one young squire who had long hair, but how was I to know, it's not like they can speak when they are under a spell?"
"You had the put them under a spell? I thought you had a big dick, that should have had the ladies voluteering to jump your old bones."
Eldric sighed, "Just shut up and be quiet will you." Michael chuckled and whispered "nubby" to himself.

At this point Eldric stood up. "The farmer shall be here soon, I shall say goodbye now and I suppose, good luck." Eldric the Elongated, high wizard with a small penis then left the room back to the hall where Michael originally appeared. With the wizard gone, hopefully for good thought Michael, Michael checked his crotch for signs of any lasting damage. After he moved his gut out of the way, Michael could confirm that he was still in tact down there and that he could indeed perform any sexual favor if the need arose.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

My first College Humor article is up

EDIT: The links have been changed to the new/correct ones now.

When I said I would write about celebrity Buddhists I really did write about it, I just got someone to pay me to do it.

You can check out the article here.

And you can Digg the article here.

And if you like it, set it to like on the College Humor site and link the article to everyone you know. Every person that sees my article = potentially more money/exposure for me.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

No, not dead, just lazy

So I had gone back to my solvenly ways and not written anything for a while here or even elsewhere. But that is now changing and thus this update.

First, I will soon be writing for And I'll still be coming up with ideas for as well.

Secondly, I have started the NanoWriMo competition. That's the National Novel Writing Month Competition(that doesn't actually have any real prizes other than self respect which you probably already have anyways unless you weigh 400 pounds).

The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel in one month. I'm doing it to get myself in the habit of writing 2,000 words everyday so that I could potentially either write a real novel or at least write enough stuff per day to get paid enough to live off my writing alone.

My Profile at

Anyways, I've written 1,000 words already and will now share them with you. I thought of all my ideas about 5 minutes before I started writing and I have no idea where this book will go from here, but that's kind of the point of NanoWrimo.

Comments appreciated.

Nanowrimo Novel:So, What's this glowing crystal do?

Michael Redding had the most unusual experience. He found himself standing in a large cavernous chamber. This was odd because just a moment before, Michael was in his room laying down in his bed asleep. This posed many difficulties, the main one that a person who is laying down asleep is not usually prepared for standing and thus Michael, still asleep, found himself rapidly heading towards the floor of the chamber. The jolt both woke Michael up and made him pass out seconds later from the pain in his head and other parts of his body. I say other parts because the unconcious Michael Redding had been having a very realistic dream about model Gemma Atkinson who was wearing a tight blue bikini that Michael knew from her 2008/2009 calendar. So the fall managed to hurt Michael's head, his crotch and his hand which was unceremoniously holding his penis.

When Michael awoke several minutes later he heard a voice. "You there. Yes, you" an old voice echoed in the chamber. "Ugh" was the most articulate response Michael could form at the moment. The voice seemed to come closer and said "Young boy, are you Roger Weatherby of 542 Livingston Drive, Manchester, England?"

Michael seemed to notice a blurred figure approaching him now. The vision blurring was not due to the bump on Michael's head but rather the fact that most people who wear eyeglasses do not tend to wear them when they sleep. Michael finally heard the voice repeat itself and answered. "No, I'm not Roger Weatherby, I'm Michael Redding." The blurry man came into focus as the man moved to sit beside Michael. The now clear man seemed like the stereotypical wizard archetype which Michael, a large fan of fantasy novels, knew very well. "And you are from?" the old man asked. "Regina, Saskatchewan" replied Michael.

The wizard-looking man had a dissapointed look on his face and went back to standing. "Oh dear" he said. "It would seem that I miscalculated." Michael looked up at the man. "Wait, let me guess, you wanted to transport someone else here, didn't you?" Wizard man looked at Michael, "Yes, but how did you know that." "I read a lot of books that deal with shit like this. Are you a wizard?" The man who looked like a wizard replied "Yes I am." The wizard, all of a sudden remembering his manners towards guests that he just transported into his chamber bowed low. "My name is Eldric the Elongated, high wizard of the purple order." Purple? That's so gay thought Michael. Then Michael realized that wizards might be able to read minds and quickly started thinking about breasts.

Eldric began pacing around Michael. "This was not the plan. I was supposed to summon Roger Weatherby of 542 Livingston Drive, Manchester, England. Tell me, is this Regina, Saskatchewan, anywhere near Manchester, England?" "No, I think it's like thousands of miles away" replied Michael who quickly added. "So, are you going to send me back?" Even through the blur, Michael could see the wizard's eyebrows raise and the expression on the old man's face didn't help either. "No, that is impossible, the transportation is a one way deal. I take you, well not you, Roger, the chosen one. I take him and set him on a great task to save my world from destruction." "Bullshit!" shouted Michael. "That's a lie, every book I've ever read always has the dude who does the transporting say that because he knows that no one is going to risk their life to save some stupid fairy world unless they have no other choice. But there is always another choice because there's probably ten different ways to get back to my world so send me back now muchacho."

The muchacho word caught both the wizard and Michael by surprise. Michael wasn't sure he'd ever said something like that before. Eldric the Elongated looked like he was going to refute all the Michael had said but then thought better of it. "You are a smart one young Michael. And you are right, there are many ways back to your world. But seeing as I transported the wrong person and was thousands of miles off I do not think you would like me to send you back until I fix the problem. Michael seemed to agree with that logic. "So what's the problem? Why didn't you get the right guy for this shitass hero job?" "I don't know, but if you'll excuse me for some time I might be able to figure it out."

Eldric started to move away when Michael realized something. "Hey, Eldric, do you have any glasses I could use?" "Silly me, you must be thirsty. I'll grab you some spring water." Michael sighed. "No, not a glass of water, eyeglasses, optical orbs, spectacles." This seemed to not affect Eldric's expression at all. "Things you put on over your eyes so that you can see clearly. I need something like that because all I see are blurs." Eldric smiled, "Ah, you mean dildos. Yes I have many of those for reading."

Eldric quickly walked off in search of some reading dildos that Michael really hoped looked like regular glasses. While he waited, Michael began to hum and then softly sing. "Fuck me in the ass, gently. Fuck me in the ass so tenderly" Michael sang. He and his friends had gotten into the habit of taking real songs and replacing the real lyrics with the gayest lines they could think of. Eventually Michael started composing his own gay themed songs like the one he was singing now. His friends started hanging out with him less after that.

Eldric returned as Michael was on the third verse of Gentle ass fucker. The "dildos" in Eldric's hand looked like regular glasses and Michael just expected that this would not be the only werid word exchange between his world and wherever he was now. He put on the glasses and while they weren't a perfect match to his prescription they were close enough so that Michael figured he wouldn't get any headaches.