Saturday, November 08, 2008

Nanowrimo novel: Part 3: Fattywhorebag and the Flatulent Hippo

Finally the farmer came, his name was Ivan the farmer. Michael looked around the television room one last time, flipped the bird in the general direction of where he thought Eldric was and then left. This was Michael's first time out of the wizard's place and Michael realized that the cavern was up high in a mountain. Michael got on the cart that was pulled by two horses that looked quite old. They travelled down the mountain without saying a word. It was daylight outside and Michael could see the surronding area quite well from the cart.

The countryside looked much like he had imagined it would, no signs of industry, just trees and farms and large open areas that pleased Michael. And just as he was breathing in the clean crisp air, Michael found himself flying with a tingling sensation around his body. It wasn't until 5 seconds later that he realized he was falling and the tingling sensation was actually his skin burning from fire.
There was an evil pigmy hippopotamus with rather large wings that had been sent out to kill the chosen one. Only the hippo and its mysterious dark master, had not gotten the memo concerning the fact that Michael was not the chosen one. The flying pigmy hippo had come crashing into the cart and knocked it off the path. As the cart flew past the hippo the hippo let rip a large fart and as no one likely knows until now, flying pigmy hippos fart fire.

The only thing Michael could think of doing was to wave his arms frantically, pee his pants a little(although the pee dried rather quickly due to the fire), and scream. The screaming was the worst idea since the flames started to go down young Michael's throat, causing him even more pain.

The fear turned to anger and Michael thought There's no fucking way I'm going to die because of some perverted wizard. Immediately the flames went out and Michael could breathe again. Soon after Michael noticed he was slowing down. By the time he was near the ground, Michael had slowed down and landed softly on the grass at the foot of the mountain.

Michael looked around and other than grass and flowers, he didn't see anything else.
"Hello" said an unknown voice. This didn't come from Michael and in fact startled Michael. He looked all around and didn't see anyone. "Hello" the voice said again. Again Michael looked and again he saw nothing. Just then Michael felt something crawling up his leg. The thing, whatever it was, moved quickly enough that by the time he looked down, Michael didn't see anyone. Then he felt something on top of his shoulders, as if a kid had just jumped up on him. Two tiny hands crossed over Michael's eyes blocking his sight. "Peekaboo" said the strange voice, giggling. Michael stuggled to move the hands to no avail and then tried to pry whatever was on him off his back. Finally the thing gave up and jumped in front of Michael, landing softly on the ground.

The thing giggled again. "Hello" said the creature, as if this was the first time it had said it. "Uh hi" said Michael. "My name is Fattywhorebag, what's yours?" "Fattywhorebag?" asked Michael. "Wow, your name is the same as mine, what a coincidence" said Fattywhorebag. Michael titled his head down to look at the thing, it was about 3 feet tall, had a long white beard and a conical hat, it reminded him of something about traveling. "Uh no, no, my name is Michael. It's just that, well that's an unusual name, Fattywhorebag that is." The little thing looked at Michael a little longer and then seemed to act as if Michael hadn't insulted his name.
"Did you come from Eldric's place? That wizard is really weird, one time I saw him turning the clouds into shapes. All the shapes then seemed to act all intimate with the other shapes. A big cloud orgy in the sky, weird." The thing kept on talking and talking about many trivial things and then asked. "Wait, Michael, are you a wizard? I say that because you just came from the wizard's place and you were flying and on fire and then you stopped being on fire and then stopped flying and.."

"Wait, you didn't stop me from falling?" asked Michael. "Why of course not. How could I do that? I don't know any magic. Are you tricking me, wizards seem to like tricking me, like Eldric who one time…" Michael cut Fattwhorebag off once again. "But if you didn't stop me, then who did? I don't know any magic, I'm not a wizard." Straining down to see Fattywhorebag was hurting Michael's neck so he decide to sit down.

"What are you, Fattywhorebag? What species I mean, sorry if this sounds rude, I'm new to the area" Fattywhorebags started jumping up and down. "Oh boy oh boy oh boy, you're the chosen one. I'm talking to the chosen one, oh that'll show those buggers back in the village. Can I be your loyal sidekick, all chosen ones need loyal sidekicks and I can get.."

"I'm not the chosen one" yelled out Michael, louder than he had wanted to.
"But you're from the otherworld, Eldric is always calling out chosen ones to come here and vanquish evil. Although it does seem weird that the evil never stays vanquished. There's like a chosen one coming at least once a year lately. Heh, evil. If you aren't the chosen one, then who will vanquish evil?"
"I don't know, why not you?"

Fattywhorebag laughed again. "hahaha me vaquish evil? I don't think so, we gnomes don't vanquish evil, we just make stuff and sell it to the highest payer." Gnome, now it made sense to Michael, Fattywhorebag looked a lot like the travelocity gnome that always found great discounts on travel. But Fattywhorebag didn't sound anything like that gnome, instead he sounded more like a child that had just taken some helium from a balloon.

It suddenly grew quiet, both Michael and Fattwhorebag seemed to have an awkward silence between themselves. This unerved Michael, having a chatterbox that never shut up suddenly shut up threw Michael off and he was left staring at his feet for a full five minutes before Fattywhorebag started talking again.

"So, chosen one, can I be your sidekick, I'll be quiet and do even the most menial tasks."
Michael sighed. "I'm not the chosen one, Eldric brought me here by mistake."
Fattywhorebag's eyes widened, "But, the cave in the mountain, the flames, the firey and flatulent flying hippopotamus, those all mean you are the chosen one."
"I'm not. Eldric was sending me to some other wizard to send me back so that I would be rid of this damn place."
Fattywhorebag's attitude rapidly changed at that moment. "Fine then, you're not the chosen one. Up yours non-chosen one. Have fun in this land you don't like and see how far you get."

Michael realized that even though the little angry gnome was an ass, Michael still need his help.
"Well, just because I'm not the chosen one doesn't mean I don't need help. You could still be my sidekick."
The gnome turned its back on Michael. "Sidekick to a nobody? No chance. I would be ridiculed by all the gnomes for the rest of my life. And unlike you large flesh bag humans, we gnomes live hundreds of years and I'm only 70." Michael tought hard and quick to try and think of something that could change the little gnome's mind as Fattywhorebag started to walk off.

"Wait, can you keep a secret?" asked Michael, trying his best to sound serious.
Fattywhorebag stopped and turned around but still looked upset. "Of course I can keep a secret, I'm well known for my secret keeping capabilities. Why just the other day some of my friends were talking about my secret keeping." Michael forced out a smile. "Good, then maybe I can let you in on my secret, but I can only tell my secret to one other person, er, gnomeson." Now the gnome's disposition changed back into a groveling sidekick. "Yes, yes, tell me, you can trust me."
michael leaned in close towards the gnome, "Alright, I can trust you, if you are my sidekick."
"Yes, I'll be your sidekick, I'll do whatever you want, just tell me the secret."
"OK, I really am the chosen one" said Michael.
"I knew it. I knew even when you said you weren't. I wasn't walking away from you I was just scouting the area to make sure it was clear." The gnome was beaming with excitement now.

"I am the sidekick to the chosen one, now I shall be written into the history books. Fattywhorebag the brave they shall call me. Or maybe Fattywhorebag the merciful." For once, Fattywhorebag actually paid attention to Michael's face and realized he was talking too much and shut up.

Michael kept on talking in hushed tones, thankful that he was getting somewhere finally. "I need to get to Garthur the wizard." "I know Garthur, I know him really well. Well, not really well but he passed by the village once and stopped by the store next to my home. He ordered a slice of mutton. It was a Tuesday in the winter, or was it a Wednesday in the spring, it doesn't matter. I know where he lives, I can show you the way oh chosen one." "shh" chided Michael. "You mustn't tell anyone I'm the chosen one. Enemies could come for us and we don't need any more flying hippos coming after us."

Michael just realized that he didn't know what happened to the hippo after it had attacked him. And as coincidence would have it this was the same moment that the flying hippo realized that it had not been successful at killing Michael. The hippo flew overhead and began a dive with a loud roar. It was coming closer towards Michael, its ass flaring with flames. Then it promptly froze in the air and exploded, hippo meat falling all over Michael and Fattywhorebag, who quickly produced an umbrella and jumped atop Michael's shoulders to protect him from the burnt carcass pieces.

When the sky was clear from the hippo bits, Michael looked up towards the cave in the mountain. He could just make out the wizard's shape, although it did look like there was a large protusion from the midsection. Michael didn't even want to think about what that meant. When Michael looked up again the wizard and his large protusion were both gone.

"Did you do that Michael the magnificent? I added that last part myself. You blew up the hippo right?"
"Uh, yeah, of course I did. Blew that fucker up good."
"Fucker?" asked the gnome. "I've never heard of that word before. What does it mean?"
"Um, it means, uh, enemy." Michael didn't want to waste time explaning the real meaning of the word but soon regretted it when he heard the little gnome saying "Fucker, fucker, fucker" continously for the next few minutes.

Sastisfied that he had commited the word to memory, Fattywhorebag started to lead Michael to his village. Fattywhorebag explained that they could find some transportation at his village and that would speed up the trip.

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