Sunday, June 15, 2008

Why Angelina Jolie Will Be President of the USA in 2016

This is something that I started way back in september-october of 2007 as a potential pitch to Cracked. Since it was not based on anything real it was not a suitable article and I abandoned it. But as I have a long history of leaving things unfinished I decided to finish this article. So here it is. Then I finished it and posted it on the Cracked writers board back in March. So the beginning would need some changing since Barack Obama is the only contender now but fuck that, if it took me months to finish this and more months to post in here then there's little chance I'm going to edit it now even if such an edit would only take a minute. I'm classy like that.

Why Angelina Jolie Will Be President in 2016

Many news outlets are furiously covering the current 2008 US Presidential Election. But they need not worry about predicting the next president. Why? Because I can already tell you who will win. Neither Barrack Obama or Hilary Clinton will be president. They will soon realize that all their petty insults directed towards each other are really the result of their hidden lust for one another. They will run off and live in the Swiss Alps where the press won't bother them. Bill Clinton will say it's the happiest day of his life. Meanwhile John McCain will be p(resident) of the Shady Acres Senior Home.

So who does that leave to take the reins from George W. Bush?

Dennis Kucinich and his running mate Gimli, son of Glóin, from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Their elf-dwarf alliance will lead the country out of chaos and create a stable, Orc-free nation until their second term expires in 2016.

And who will take over middle-earth the USA after they leave office?

Angelina Jolie, and here's why:

Her tattoos hold the secrets to victory

Angelina has 13 confirmed tattoos and has had 7 other tattoos removed or inked over. Current tattoos include a tiger and a dragon on her back, a Latin cross and the words "Quod me nutrit me destruit" (Latin for "What nourishes me also destroys me") below her navel.

Why all the tattoos? Because she's a real life Michael Fucking Scofield! Only with more hair, a nicer chest and her tats don't make her look like roided out Smurf.

Yes siree, Angelina's tattoos have secrets encoded in them that will A) Get Her elected and B) Tell her what to do while acting as the commander-in-chief.

Possible meanings of the tattoos? Since I'm not part of the Jolie-Pitt Cabal I can't say for sure but I have some clues.

For one thing she has 4 sets of coordinates written on her left shoulder, replacing the Billy Bob tattoo. Jolie claims that each coordinate corresponds with the location where each of her children were either born or adopted from.

But what do they really represent? Locations to futuristic weapons? Untold amounts of gold to finance her campaign? A re-cut edition of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow that doesn't suck? Or maybe they are coordinates to 4 tombs that, when all the planets are in alignment, will reveal the secret location of a.. well, you get the picture.

She hates her dad

Ever since Angelina's father, Jon Voight made a public statement saying that his daughter is bat-shit crazy the two have not been on speaking terms. Usually family is a big issue when running a campaign. Hell, even the closeted gay politicians usually have a wife and two kids that stand by their side for each drearily dull speech.

So at first this seems like a bad PR choice for Angelina. Not so! Let's say that the Prime Minister of Canada makes a death threat to Jon Voight while Angelina is in office, the US won't have to invade Canada to appease Angelina's sense of honor. Instead, Angelina can just hogtie her Dad(we hear she's good with bondage) and ship him off to Moosejaw, Saskatchewan. In return, Canada might promise to take back Pamela Anderson.

The Horde

Forget about kissing babies, Angelina ups the ante by adopting them. She'd already have more kids if the orphanages offered six-pack discounts. But at 1 kid per year (either adopted or spawned) she can have 7 more before the start of her campaign in 2014. She's even having twins to speed up the process. Her next adoption won't even involve a small child. She will have evolved her strategy to bring in older kids that can be put to work on her campaign.

Remember the story months ago about Mitt Romney and his 5 sons? The sons that were so patriotic they didn't go to fight in a war, because they were doing their duty campaigning for Papa. Angelina has taken that strategy and run wild with it. Romney only has 5 kids, Jolie will have a dozen. PLUS she gets to pick what the kids look like.

Talk about a dream team for a campaign. She can have a kid for every demographic available. Asian? Check. African-american black? Check. African-African black? Check. Russian? Check. Kwik-e-mart Indian? Check. Casino Indian? Check. Hispanic? She'll take two.

Now everyone will have a race-based reason for voting for her. How can anyone criticize her for being racist when she has a kid of every ethnicity living in her own house? And when they do house work it's called “chores” instead of child labour. Bravo Ms. Jolie, bravo.

Her appeal to every demographic known to humanity(and some that haven't even been invented yet)

As an actor, Angelina has played a diverse amount of roles. In her real life she's played just as many unique roles as well. This is very effective at attracting the voters who only want to vote for "one of their own.” Angelina has no problem fitting in with whatever community she's in.

She's played a hacker and also starred as one of the hottest video game characters ever, so she's got the computer and gaming geeks at her mercy. She's been an assassin that loves guns so she'll have the NRA on her side. She's been a cop, a car thief and even a mental patient. Whatever niche voting block exists, she's played one.

In her real life she's been a lesbian, a bisexual and then a straight woman. She's been a mother, a divorcee and a S&M enthusiast. She even had a controversial kiss on the lips with her brother. That should help her carry Kentucky. Everyone in America will be able to look at an aspect of Angelina's life and say she's just like me” and her voter popularity will soar.

A sex scandal everyone would want to happen.

Sex scandals are nothing new to politics. The affairs aren't that scandalous though. The really scary thing is how ugly most of the people who have the affairs are.





Yea, sorry for that last picture. But it makes a good contrast to what an Angelina Jolie scandal would involve.



Angelina Jolie has had more sex on screen than Wendy Whoppers(Congresswoman, (D)-Nevada). It's very easy to picture her having sex. Very, easy. So easy, oh yeah oh…wait, back to the article.

If a scandal broke out that Angelina was having an affair the tabloids would be all over it like Jim McGreevy on a cabana boy. But there would not be the large amount of moral outrage usually associated with a sex scandal. Instead there would be aspirations that this sort of thing would happen all the time. Then while all the papers and TV shows talk about the affair and show every movie clip of Angelina Jolie having sex(running time 26 hours), Angelina could actually get some work done. Who needs an interview with Angelina Jolie when you can legally show sex on the news and call it serious reporting. She gets left alone and the country gets some shit done.

She's hot

Maybe you haven't realized it yet, but Angelina Jolie is pretty hot. And once the first kid came in through the mail Angelina Jolie became an official MILF.

If she were president she'd become the very first President of the United States I'd Like to Fuck (or POTUSILF). Chester A. Arthur could have been the first POTUSILF but I hear he was just giving away hot dickings down at the phonograph stores. What a whore.

Gave out mustache rides for a penny.

Angelina can get millions of votes just based on her looks alone. People like to vote for attractive people. It makes the voters feel attractive. One of the main reasons George W. Bush got elected twice was because of his shapely posterior. People would see him on TV and shout “What an ass.” Clearly the voters of America like a nice looking buttocks sitting on the presidential chair.

Of course a lazy and childish writer would make mention that many people wouldn't vote for Angelina because they'd be too distracted to go to the polls. They'd then list the reasons why people were distracted and giggle like a 12 year old. They would say things like “Oh those 18 year old males will certainly be thinking of Angelina Jolie when they pull their lever, at HOME. Hey-ooh!” Or “Young men will be too busy to go to the polls because they're focused on their own pole. Hey-ooh!” They might even stoop so low as to say a crude joke like “Men like to masturbate. They certainly will be masturbating when they think of Angelina Jolie. They will then go and vote for Angelina Jolie, and then masturbate. Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. Ooh-hey! Masturbate!” I am not such a lazy and childish writer and thus I will not make any mention of Angelina Jolie and any reference to masturbation.

In conclusion

With Angelina Jolie president the country will thrive, that is a certainty. So why bother talking about all the great things she'll do in her 8 years in office. Instead I'd like to briefly show you who will take over after her glorious reign as POTUSILF.


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