Not an update, but words must go here.

I haven't done anything that I'd consider funny over at Cracked.com so I guess I'll start posting some original content here. Hopefully this week.

Like gadgets?

If you enjoy gadget related tomfoolery you can check out a place that hired me on to write for them.

OhGizmo.com is a gadget blog. I wrote a father's day article for them and they decided to hire me on to write 6 mini articles per week. The first set of my articles is up now.


http://www.ohgizmo.com/2008/06/24/cellphone-microscope-humanity-one-step-closer-to-creating-a-tricorder/

http://www.ohgizmo.com/2008/06/24/hyundai-3-d-lcd-television-comes-to-japan/

http://www.ohgizmo.com/2008/06/24/solar-powered-ipods-will-they-soon-be-a-reality/

And just like Cracked.com there are performance bonuses. So if you can get one hundred thousand of your closest friends to read and Digg my articles I'll stop saying mean things to you guys behind your back, or something like that.

Don't know what to do with that leftover paypal money?

Then give it to me, I have lots of ideas of what to do with it.

But seriously, if you ever want to donate money because I either made you laugh or cry or some more realistic reason then go ahead and send it to my paypal account using the address jonathankimak (at) shaw (dot) ca

And once again here is a promise to eventually create some original posts in this place.

Um, yeah.

This is on the forums somewhere, I don't remember where and I don't know why I drew it.

Enjoy?

Treasure Map

This be the directions to me treasure, yar. Click for full size.

Why Angelina Jolie Will Be President of the USA in 2016

This is something that I started way back in september-october of 2007 as a potential pitch to Cracked. Since it was not based on anything real it was not a suitable article and I abandoned it. But as I have a long history of leaving things unfinished I decided to finish this article. So here it is. Then I finished it and posted it on the Cracked writers board back in March. So the beginning would need some changing since Barack Obama is the only contender now but fuck that, if it took me months to finish this and more months to post in here then there's little chance I'm going to edit it now even if such an edit would only take a minute. I'm classy like that.

Why Angelina Jolie Will Be President in 2016


Many news outlets are furiously covering the current 2008 US Presidential Election. But they need not worry about predicting the next president. Why? Because I can already tell you who will win. Neither Barrack Obama or Hilary Clinton will be president. They will soon realize that all their petty insults directed towards each other are really the result of their hidden lust for one another. They will run off and live in the Swiss Alps where the press won't bother them. Bill Clinton will say it's the happiest day of his life. Meanwhile John McCain will be p(resident) of the Shady Acres Senior Home.


So who does that leave to take the reins from George W. Bush?


Dennis Kucinich and his running mate Gimli, son of Glóin, from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Their elf-dwarf alliance will lead the country out of chaos and create a stable, Orc-free nation until their second term expires in 2016.

And who will take over middle-earth the USA after they leave office?

Angelina Jolie, and here's why:


Her tattoos hold the secrets to victory

Angelina has 13 confirmed tattoos and has had 7 other tattoos removed or inked over. Current tattoos include a tiger and a dragon on her back, a Latin cross and the words "Quod me nutrit me destruit" (Latin for "What nourishes me also destroys me") below her navel.

Why all the tattoos? Because she's a real life Michael Fucking Scofield! Only with more hair, a nicer chest and her tats don't make her look like roided out Smurf.



Yes siree, Angelina's tattoos have secrets encoded in them that will A) Get Her elected and B) Tell her what to do while acting as the commander-in-chief.

Possible meanings of the tattoos? Since I'm not part of the Jolie-Pitt Cabal I can't say for sure but I have some clues.

For one thing she has 4 sets of coordinates written on her left shoulder, replacing the Billy Bob tattoo. Jolie claims that each coordinate corresponds with the location where each of her children were either born or adopted from.

But what do they really represent? Locations to futuristic weapons? Untold amounts of gold to finance her campaign? A re-cut edition of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow that doesn't suck? Or maybe they are coordinates to 4 tombs that, when all the planets are in alignment, will reveal the secret location of a.. well, you get the picture.

She hates her dad

Ever since Angelina's father, Jon Voight made a public statement saying that his daughter is bat-shit crazy the two have not been on speaking terms. Usually family is a big issue when running a campaign. Hell, even the closeted gay politicians usually have a wife and two kids that stand by their side for each drearily dull speech.

So at first this seems like a bad PR choice for Angelina. Not so! Let's say that the Prime Minister of Canada makes a death threat to Jon Voight while Angelina is in office, the US won't have to invade Canada to appease Angelina's sense of honor. Instead, Angelina can just hogtie her Dad(we hear she's good with bondage) and ship him off to Moosejaw, Saskatchewan. In return, Canada might promise to take back Pamela Anderson.


The Horde

Forget about kissing babies, Angelina ups the ante by adopting them. She'd already have more kids if the orphanages offered six-pack discounts. But at 1 kid per year (either adopted or spawned) she can have 7 more before the start of her campaign in 2014. She's even having twins to speed up the process. Her next adoption won't even involve a small child. She will have evolved her strategy to bring in older kids that can be put to work on her campaign.

Remember the story months ago about Mitt Romney and his 5 sons? The sons that were so patriotic they didn't go to fight in a war, because they were doing their duty campaigning for Papa. Angelina has taken that strategy and run wild with it. Romney only has 5 kids, Jolie will have a dozen. PLUS she gets to pick what the kids look like.

Talk about a dream team for a campaign. She can have a kid for every demographic available. Asian? Check. African-american black? Check. African-African black? Check. Russian? Check. Kwik-e-mart Indian? Check. Casino Indian? Check. Hispanic? She'll take two.

Now everyone will have a race-based reason for voting for her. How can anyone criticize her for being racist when she has a kid of every ethnicity living in her own house? And when they do house work it's called “chores” instead of child labour. Bravo Ms. Jolie, bravo.


Her appeal to every demographic known to humanity(and some that haven't even been invented yet)

As an actor, Angelina has played a diverse amount of roles. In her real life she's played just as many unique roles as well. This is very effective at attracting the voters who only want to vote for "one of their own.” Angelina has no problem fitting in with whatever community she's in.

She's played a hacker and also starred as one of the hottest video game characters ever, so she's got the computer and gaming geeks at her mercy. She's been an assassin that loves guns so she'll have the NRA on her side. She's been a cop, a car thief and even a mental patient. Whatever niche voting block exists, she's played one.

In her real life she's been a lesbian, a bisexual and then a straight woman. She's been a mother, a divorcee and a S&M enthusiast. She even had a controversial kiss on the lips with her brother. That should help her carry Kentucky. Everyone in America will be able to look at an aspect of Angelina's life and say she's just like me” and her voter popularity will soar.

A sex scandal everyone would want to happen.

Sex scandals are nothing new to politics. The affairs aren't that scandalous though. The really scary thing is how ugly most of the people who have the affairs are.










Yea, sorry for that last picture. But it makes a good contrast to what an Angelina Jolie scandal would involve.





Angelina Jolie has had more sex on screen than Wendy Whoppers(Congresswoman, (D)-Nevada). It's very easy to picture her having sex. Very, easy. So easy, oh yeah oh…wait, back to the article.

If a scandal broke out that Angelina was having an affair the tabloids would be all over it like Jim McGreevy on a cabana boy. But there would not be the large amount of moral outrage usually associated with a sex scandal. Instead there would be aspirations that this sort of thing would happen all the time. Then while all the papers and TV shows talk about the affair and show every movie clip of Angelina Jolie having sex(running time 26 hours), Angelina could actually get some work done. Who needs an interview with Angelina Jolie when you can legally show sex on the news and call it serious reporting. She gets left alone and the country gets some shit done.


She's hot

Maybe you haven't realized it yet, but Angelina Jolie is pretty hot. And once the first kid came in through the mail Angelina Jolie became an official MILF.

If she were president she'd become the very first President of the United States I'd Like to Fuck (or POTUSILF). Chester A. Arthur could have been the first POTUSILF but I hear he was just giving away hot dickings down at the phonograph stores. What a whore.


Gave out mustache rides for a penny.


Angelina can get millions of votes just based on her looks alone. People like to vote for attractive people. It makes the voters feel attractive. One of the main reasons George W. Bush got elected twice was because of his shapely posterior. People would see him on TV and shout “What an ass.” Clearly the voters of America like a nice looking buttocks sitting on the presidential chair.

Of course a lazy and childish writer would make mention that many people wouldn't vote for Angelina because they'd be too distracted to go to the polls. They'd then list the reasons why people were distracted and giggle like a 12 year old. They would say things like “Oh those 18 year old males will certainly be thinking of Angelina Jolie when they pull their lever, at HOME. Hey-ooh!” Or “Young men will be too busy to go to the polls because they're focused on their own pole. Hey-ooh!” They might even stoop so low as to say a crude joke like “Men like to masturbate. They certainly will be masturbating when they think of Angelina Jolie. They will then go and vote for Angelina Jolie, and then masturbate. Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. Ooh-hey! Masturbate!” I am not such a lazy and childish writer and thus I will not make any mention of Angelina Jolie and any reference to masturbation.

In conclusion

With Angelina Jolie president the country will thrive, that is a certainty. So why bother talking about all the great things she'll do in her 8 years in office. Instead I'd like to briefly show you who will take over after her glorious reign as POTUSILF.

Time to finally update this

Okay I'll finally update this thing. And since a group of people at the cracked forums have started promoting each others blogs I might actually keep on updating this thing more often than monthly/yearly.

As usual I'm going to just post funny crap I wrote and/or submitted to the Cracked.com forums. Eventually I'll post some original stuff that may even be funny.

First off some shameless self-promotion. I've written 2 articles for Cracked.com

This one about horrible cameos in movies

And

This one about really useless video game accessories.

The accessories one actually got me an offer from another site to write a gadget related article. So I wrote about some good and bad Father's day gadgets and got paid to do it.

I like getting paid. If you ever feel the need to just send me money, do it. It's God's way of saying that you have too much money.

More stuff to come.

Sir Roger

I was doodling in Paint.net and created a wonderful piece of art. It was a stick man that I named Sir Roger Portnoy. I decided to create a little scenario for him that people on the forums at Cracked could then have fun with. I assumed that my obstacles would be solved in ways unimaginable to myself. I was right. The forum members who participated made my entire week better due to their brilliance. (Click pictures for large images)




Nedroid was the first to respond.




The Iron Colonel was next.




not terribly clever took on Al Sharpton.




Mortal Wombat took the adventure in a new direction.



Logical Penguin gave the story a nice climax and epilogue.





And thus Sir Roger's quest was over. My sincerest thanks to all who were involved.

2007 Checklist: A look back at the past year.

Guess what time of year I wrote this at.

1. Do something new

I found a way to add several new TV shows to my already full repertoire of TV viewing.

2. Learn a skill

Pretending to be a homeless man to get free food is not as hard as I had thought.

3. Lose some weight

I lost 3 kilos. My cartel was not pleased. But the upside is I lost more weight from it, anyone know how much 1 testicle weighs?

4. Be nicer and more giving.

I learned about Karma and Joy. I gave them $50 each and got a gift that kept on giving in return. The itch still hasn't gone away.


5. Quit Drinking alcohol

Cocaine works faster anyways.

6. Get organized

See #3

7. Enjoy Life

Two hours of yard time a day(for good behaviour) makes every day seem like Christmas.

8. Spend more time with the family

Got a cell closer to my Uncle Vito.


9. Wish everyone a happy new year!

Happy New Year Everyone!

Sleep: Now with pyramids!

Somehow a discussion turned to sleep and the varying dimensions of sleep. So I made this.

Heroes Season 2 Why the company never killed Adam

I'm a fan of Heroes and like many people I got confused as to why certain things were happening. One big one was why the company never killed Adam(aka Kensei aka that guy you last saw on Alias). So I wrote my own scene about why they would do something like that. This was written a week before the early season finale where we do get some closure on Adam.

Why the Company didn't kill Adam, a musing in 26 acts.

Scene:
Large office with long conference desk and many chairs. Members of the Company all seated. People seem unsettled.

Bob: Alright everyone, settle down. As you have probably head by now, Adam Monroe attempted to steal vial 138 of the Shanti virus. That strain, if released, would have killed us all. We have Adam in custody and now we have to decide what to do with him. Any suggestions?

Kaito Nakamura: Kill that bastard and do it now, I'll get my shotgun.

Charles Deveaux: I'm with Kaito, let's kill him.

Angela Petrelli: I think Kaito and myself need to discuss this further, in my room.

All the other founders that never get mentioned: Yes, let's kill Adam.

Arthur Petrelli: No, you fools, we can't kill Adam.

Kaito: Yes we can, a shotgun to the face will kill him instantly, there's no coming back from that one.

Arthur: No Kaito, I mean.. Kaito pay attention, stop looking at MY wife. I know we "can" kill Adam. But we can't kill him because he is too integral to the plot.

Bob: What plot?

Arthur: The plot of the Television series we are all in.

Charles Deveaux: Arthur, have you gone mad? We are real people, in the real world. We just happen to have abilities akin to characters in a comic book, or a TV show based on comic books, or a miniseries idea that's dragged on to long and now has no idea where it's going. But we are REAL dammit.

Arthur: No we are not real, we are fictional characters.

Angela: Arthur dear, how can you know this?

Arthur: Because, my ability is to break the fourth wall.

Everyone: Gasp!

Arthur: Yes, it's true. I can communicate directly with the audience that is watching us right now. All I do is turn this way. Arthur turns towards camera. And now I can talk to them and tell them things.

Kaito: Fine Arthur, you can talk to your "audience" but what does it have to do with us not killing Adam Monroe?

Arthur: If we kill Adam, then we would not have a story line that shows the consequences of time travel. And the future wouldn't have any ambiguity about who is good and who is bad. Don't you see, if we kill Adam, then everything will be far too clear for the "audience."

Bob: But the "audience", as you call them, they must be rational thinking people, right? Wouldn't they enjoy a straightforward romp through a set of predetermined challenges that slowly leads up to a climatic battle of good versus evil?

Arthur: No, they may think they want that, but my power shows me that moral ambiguity makes characters such as ourselves seem more human. And people need to identify with characters, otherwise they would realize that their emotions are being fucked with so that their brains don't think about the inconsistencies in our story.

Kaito: So what do you propose we do with Adam?

Arthur: Keep him locked up for the rest of eternity.

Bob: Won't that just give him a very long time to plan revenge and prepare for his eventual escape?

Arthur: Yes, but if we want the moral ambiguity we must realize that eventually he has to escape. For the good of the plot.

Kaito: But don't you think he will want to kill us all when he escapes?

Arthur: Well... probably. But if we die, it will make the struggles of our children seem far more important.

Angela: Fuck that. I'm out of here. Kaito come on, let's go "discuss" this further, in the backseat of your car.

Kaito: No Angela, we must be resigned to our fates. We are mere characters. We cannot think rationally like our audience. We must obey the will of Kring.

Harry Fletcher: Isn't this just fucking with the minds of the audience? Really, they will eventually realize that the will of Kring is shit. They will all ask why we didn't blow Adam's fucking head right off at this very moment. It's bullshit. Total bullshit. And if the people ever realize it, there will be anarchy.

Arthur: Harry, one more word out of you and you will die without anyone knowing who you are, what your power is, how you die or what you look like.

Harry: So what, I bet no one even knows what YOU look like Arthur.

Arthur stands up, removes gun from hidden holster and points it towards Harry.

Arthur: They don't know what I look like because it adds mystery and saves the budget for more important things. Like writing plots with moral ambiguity.

Arthur shoots Harry in the head.

Arthur: Adam lives. Got it?

Everyone: Got it!

Arthur stares over the warm corpse of Harry Fletcher

Arthur: Well Harry, at least they know how you died.

End Scene

Things that are things

A little Dr. Seuss inspired thing that I made. It's easiest to click on the picture to see the full sized version.

How to cook a turkey.

Here is what I consider the first post at Cracked where I actually put some effort in to make people laugh. It was in a thread about cooking turkey for thanksgiving.



Deep Frying a Turkey is the best way to go.

Step 1.

Buy a Deep Frying Turkey Basin.

If you cannot afford such a device, a garbage can atop a pile of flaming leaves can be a cheap and easy substitute.
Also, be sure to buy a turkey. If the price of turkey is too much, consider using free range birds, such as pigeons.

Step 2.

Fill the basin to the brim with oil. While engine oil does add a delightful new-car smell to the turkey, it is best to use vegetable oil. Turkeys are usually vegetable and grain fed, thus the vegetable oil gives the soul of the turkey peace in the afterlife, this increases the flavor dramatically. Be sure that the oil is at the brim, you can never have enough oil. You could even spread some oil around the ground surrounding the basin to appease the ancient god of turkey.

Step 3.

Find a suitable location for to set up. Ideally you should consider setting up inside. At this time of year it can be quite cold, this will only slow down the cooking process. The added heat from being inside can reduce precious minutes from your busy holiday schedule.

In addition, by cooking inside you allow the smoke to stay in the area, thus enriching the taste. Smoked and fried turkey is extremely delicious.

Step 4.

Don't forget to include the children. No, I'm not implying that you fry the children, that would be barbaric. But they should be involved early on. Food preparation and working around oil are two jobs that your child should learn as soon as possible, as they can then be prepared for life after school when their 4-year degree turns out to be a useless degree that will never get them a job.

Let the kids help with placing the turkey in the fryer. They are shorter and thus closer to the fryer, so less splashing of the oil will occur when they place the turkey in. If the kids are bored with the chore, spice it up by making a game out of it. Let the kids try out their basketball talents by throwing the turkey into the fryer. Practice makes perfect.

Step 5.

Now that the turkey is in the fryer, you can sit back and relax for a while. We live in the age of technology, so there is no need to worry about that turkey, technology will keep you safe. Cooking time should be 4 minutes per pound, which seems absurd since we're talking about a NORTH AMERICAN holiday. So it should really be 2 minutes per DOLLAR. So if you paid $30 for your turkey, then it should take 60 minutes to cook at 350 °F (175 °C for those "metric" folks). Set your watch and go drink some beer. If you don't have a watch, just use the beer as a timer. I can usually down a can of beer in 4 minutes, so after I've had 15 beers I know the turkey is done.

Step 6.

Removing the turkey. The oil is quite hot and so is the frying basin. So ideally you should get a large stick and tip over the frying basin. It's ok to spill the hot oil on your floors, especially if they are wooden floors. The oil will give your floor a nice shine that will improve the value of your house. All you have to do after that is pick up the turkey off the floor and put in on a plate, ready to serve.

Bon Apetit!

Once again.

Once again I'm going to try and start blogging. This time I've decided to take a new path and just post funny stuff that I wrote, drew or otherwise created. Hopefully some of you will find this stuff funny.

For now I'm going to fill the space up with stuff I've done in the forums of Cracked.com
I love the forums there. They occasionally inspire me to put some effort into a post just to make a few people laugh.