Monday, March 24, 2008

Sir Roger

I was doodling in and created a wonderful piece of art. It was a stick man that I named Sir Roger Portnoy. I decided to create a little scenario for him that people on the forums at Cracked could then have fun with. I assumed that my obstacles would be solved in ways unimaginable to myself. I was right. The forum members who participated made my entire week better due to their brilliance. (Click pictures for large images)

Nedroid was the first to respond.

The Iron Colonel was next.

not terribly clever took on Al Sharpton.

Mortal Wombat took the adventure in a new direction.

Logical Penguin gave the story a nice climax and epilogue.

And thus Sir Roger's quest was over. My sincerest thanks to all who were involved.

2007 Checklist: A look back at the past year.

Guess what time of year I wrote this at.

1. Do something new

I found a way to add several new TV shows to my already full repertoire of TV viewing.

2. Learn a skill

Pretending to be a homeless man to get free food is not as hard as I had thought.

3. Lose some weight

I lost 3 kilos. My cartel was not pleased. But the upside is I lost more weight from it, anyone know how much 1 testicle weighs?

4. Be nicer and more giving.

I learned about Karma and Joy. I gave them $50 each and got a gift that kept on giving in return. The itch still hasn't gone away.

5. Quit Drinking alcohol

Cocaine works faster anyways.

6. Get organized

See #3

7. Enjoy Life

Two hours of yard time a day(for good behaviour) makes every day seem like Christmas.

8. Spend more time with the family

Got a cell closer to my Uncle Vito.

9. Wish everyone a happy new year!

Happy New Year Everyone!

Sleep: Now with pyramids!

Somehow a discussion turned to sleep and the varying dimensions of sleep. So I made this.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Heroes Season 2 Why the company never killed Adam

I'm a fan of Heroes and like many people I got confused as to why certain things were happening. One big one was why the company never killed Adam(aka Kensei aka that guy you last saw on Alias). So I wrote my own scene about why they would do something like that. This was written a week before the early season finale where we do get some closure on Adam.

Why the Company didn't kill Adam, a musing in 26 acts.

Large office with long conference desk and many chairs. Members of the Company all seated. People seem unsettled.

Bob: Alright everyone, settle down. As you have probably head by now, Adam Monroe attempted to steal vial 138 of the Shanti virus. That strain, if released, would have killed us all. We have Adam in custody and now we have to decide what to do with him. Any suggestions?

Kaito Nakamura: Kill that bastard and do it now, I'll get my shotgun.

Charles Deveaux: I'm with Kaito, let's kill him.

Angela Petrelli: I think Kaito and myself need to discuss this further, in my room.

All the other founders that never get mentioned: Yes, let's kill Adam.

Arthur Petrelli: No, you fools, we can't kill Adam.

Kaito: Yes we can, a shotgun to the face will kill him instantly, there's no coming back from that one.

Arthur: No Kaito, I mean.. Kaito pay attention, stop looking at MY wife. I know we "can" kill Adam. But we can't kill him because he is too integral to the plot.

Bob: What plot?

Arthur: The plot of the Television series we are all in.

Charles Deveaux: Arthur, have you gone mad? We are real people, in the real world. We just happen to have abilities akin to characters in a comic book, or a TV show based on comic books, or a miniseries idea that's dragged on to long and now has no idea where it's going. But we are REAL dammit.

Arthur: No we are not real, we are fictional characters.

Angela: Arthur dear, how can you know this?

Arthur: Because, my ability is to break the fourth wall.

Everyone: Gasp!

Arthur: Yes, it's true. I can communicate directly with the audience that is watching us right now. All I do is turn this way. Arthur turns towards camera. And now I can talk to them and tell them things.

Kaito: Fine Arthur, you can talk to your "audience" but what does it have to do with us not killing Adam Monroe?

Arthur: If we kill Adam, then we would not have a story line that shows the consequences of time travel. And the future wouldn't have any ambiguity about who is good and who is bad. Don't you see, if we kill Adam, then everything will be far too clear for the "audience."

Bob: But the "audience", as you call them, they must be rational thinking people, right? Wouldn't they enjoy a straightforward romp through a set of predetermined challenges that slowly leads up to a climatic battle of good versus evil?

Arthur: No, they may think they want that, but my power shows me that moral ambiguity makes characters such as ourselves seem more human. And people need to identify with characters, otherwise they would realize that their emotions are being fucked with so that their brains don't think about the inconsistencies in our story.

Kaito: So what do you propose we do with Adam?

Arthur: Keep him locked up for the rest of eternity.

Bob: Won't that just give him a very long time to plan revenge and prepare for his eventual escape?

Arthur: Yes, but if we want the moral ambiguity we must realize that eventually he has to escape. For the good of the plot.

Kaito: But don't you think he will want to kill us all when he escapes?

Arthur: Well... probably. But if we die, it will make the struggles of our children seem far more important.

Angela: Fuck that. I'm out of here. Kaito come on, let's go "discuss" this further, in the backseat of your car.

Kaito: No Angela, we must be resigned to our fates. We are mere characters. We cannot think rationally like our audience. We must obey the will of Kring.

Harry Fletcher: Isn't this just fucking with the minds of the audience? Really, they will eventually realize that the will of Kring is shit. They will all ask why we didn't blow Adam's fucking head right off at this very moment. It's bullshit. Total bullshit. And if the people ever realize it, there will be anarchy.

Arthur: Harry, one more word out of you and you will die without anyone knowing who you are, what your power is, how you die or what you look like.

Harry: So what, I bet no one even knows what YOU look like Arthur.

Arthur stands up, removes gun from hidden holster and points it towards Harry.

They don't know what I look like because it adds mystery and saves the budget for more important things. Like writing plots with moral ambiguity.

Arthur shoots Harry in the head.

Arthur: Adam lives. Got it?

Everyone: Got it!

Arthur stares over the warm corpse of Harry Fletcher

Arthur: Well Harry, at least they know how you died.

End Scene

Things that are things

A little Dr. Seuss inspired thing that I made. It's easiest to click on the picture to see the full sized version.

How to cook a turkey.

Here is what I consider the first post at Cracked where I actually put some effort in to make people laugh. It was in a thread about cooking turkey for thanksgiving.

Deep Frying a Turkey is the best way to go.

Step 1.

Buy a Deep Frying Turkey Basin.

If you cannot afford such a device, a garbage can atop a pile of flaming leaves can be a cheap and easy substitute.
Also, be sure to buy a turkey. If the price of turkey is too much, consider using free range birds, such as pigeons.

Step 2.

Fill the basin to the brim with oil. While engine oil does add a delightful new-car smell to the turkey, it is best to use vegetable oil. Turkeys are usually vegetable and grain fed, thus the vegetable oil gives the soul of the turkey peace in the afterlife, this increases the flavor dramatically. Be sure that the oil is at the brim, you can never have enough oil. You could even spread some oil around the ground surrounding the basin to appease the ancient god of turkey.

Step 3.

Find a suitable location for to set up. Ideally you should consider setting up inside. At this time of year it can be quite cold, this will only slow down the cooking process. The added heat from being inside can reduce precious minutes from your busy holiday schedule.

In addition, by cooking inside you allow the smoke to stay in the area, thus enriching the taste. Smoked and fried turkey is extremely delicious.

Step 4.

Don't forget to include the children. No, I'm not implying that you fry the children, that would be barbaric. But they should be involved early on. Food preparation and working around oil are two jobs that your child should learn as soon as possible, as they can then be prepared for life after school when their 4-year degree turns out to be a useless degree that will never get them a job.

Let the kids help with placing the turkey in the fryer. They are shorter and thus closer to the fryer, so less splashing of the oil will occur when they place the turkey in. If the kids are bored with the chore, spice it up by making a game out of it. Let the kids try out their basketball talents by throwing the turkey into the fryer. Practice makes perfect.

Step 5.

Now that the turkey is in the fryer, you can sit back and relax for a while. We live in the age of technology, so there is no need to worry about that turkey, technology will keep you safe. Cooking time should be 4 minutes per pound, which seems absurd since we're talking about a NORTH AMERICAN holiday. So it should really be 2 minutes per DOLLAR. So if you paid $30 for your turkey, then it should take 60 minutes to cook at 350 °F (175 °C for those "metric" folks). Set your watch and go drink some beer. If you don't have a watch, just use the beer as a timer. I can usually down a can of beer in 4 minutes, so after I've had 15 beers I know the turkey is done.

Step 6.

Removing the turkey. The oil is quite hot and so is the frying basin. So ideally you should get a large stick and tip over the frying basin. It's ok to spill the hot oil on your floors, especially if they are wooden floors. The oil will give your floor a nice shine that will improve the value of your house. All you have to do after that is pick up the turkey off the floor and put in on a plate, ready to serve.

Bon Apetit!

Once again.

Once again I'm going to try and start blogging. This time I've decided to take a new path and just post funny stuff that I wrote, drew or otherwise created. Hopefully some of you will find this stuff funny.

For now I'm going to fill the space up with stuff I've done in the forums of
I love the forums there. They occasionally inspire me to put some effort into a post just to make a few people laugh.